Friend.
K.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Fresh Ink
FRESH INK
-In the days of internet dating services and obsolete taboos, love is the ultimate luxury item.-
Too skinny, too fat, too tall, too short, too rich, too poor, too clingy, too distant. Have you ever wondered why we've become so picky when it comes to love? The answer's simple: Like a Louise Vuitto bag sitting enticingly in a Fifth Avenue window, a relationship becomes a luxury item--it's something we want but no longer need.
In days gone by, people hooked up for a number of reasons: financial security, shelter, social acceptance, access to chickens. Love seldom factored in. These days, women make their own cash, buy their own apartments and raise their own chickens (or buy eggs at the store). Men have also become self-sufficient, well-versed in the ancient arts of cooking, cleaning and ironing. And let's not forget the big 'S' -- always a motivating factor. People got married significantly younger in the days when sex out of wedlock equalled social leprosy. Today we can pretty much do what we want--have sex without love, love without sex, instigate a relationship or be the recepient of attention. Basically, we can afford to be picky and base our relationships on seemingly inate criteria...such as footwear.
And like shopping for a pair of Jimmy Choo slingbacks, entrepreneurs have capitalized on the search for love. Now in the comfort of our own homes we can shop online, view by category and/or religous affilations. We can determine our upfront if our next potential ex is looking for a relationship, something casual, or perhaps a threesome.
It's not that we are heartless or lack moral standards but our romantic relationships have taken on a different role from previous generations. High divorce rates are not an indication of lack of commitment or hardwork. They're a reflection of options. We don't need to be in an unhappy relationship to survive. Our relationships have become an addition to a favorite outfit, a way to release stress, a favorite pasttime enjoyed by all. That's not to say a good one is easy to find.
Love, like all nonessential luxury item, is often expensive and hard to find. You may end up on a waiting list for years or held back by circumstances beyond our control. But when you walk down the street with your imported Italian hanging stylishly on your arm, you'll be glad you waited. There is no accessory as becoming as love.
-Angela Gilltrap
She makes it sound like emotions dont fuck your brains. Like everything is systematic and formulated. Bullshit.
She's got a point somehow though.
-In the days of internet dating services and obsolete taboos, love is the ultimate luxury item.-
Too skinny, too fat, too tall, too short, too rich, too poor, too clingy, too distant. Have you ever wondered why we've become so picky when it comes to love? The answer's simple: Like a Louise Vuitto bag sitting enticingly in a Fifth Avenue window, a relationship becomes a luxury item--it's something we want but no longer need.
In days gone by, people hooked up for a number of reasons: financial security, shelter, social acceptance, access to chickens. Love seldom factored in. These days, women make their own cash, buy their own apartments and raise their own chickens (or buy eggs at the store). Men have also become self-sufficient, well-versed in the ancient arts of cooking, cleaning and ironing. And let's not forget the big 'S' -- always a motivating factor. People got married significantly younger in the days when sex out of wedlock equalled social leprosy. Today we can pretty much do what we want--have sex without love, love without sex, instigate a relationship or be the recepient of attention. Basically, we can afford to be picky and base our relationships on seemingly inate criteria...such as footwear.
And like shopping for a pair of Jimmy Choo slingbacks, entrepreneurs have capitalized on the search for love. Now in the comfort of our own homes we can shop online, view by category and/or religous affilations. We can determine our upfront if our next potential ex is looking for a relationship, something casual, or perhaps a threesome.
It's not that we are heartless or lack moral standards but our romantic relationships have taken on a different role from previous generations. High divorce rates are not an indication of lack of commitment or hardwork. They're a reflection of options. We don't need to be in an unhappy relationship to survive. Our relationships have become an addition to a favorite outfit, a way to release stress, a favorite pasttime enjoyed by all. That's not to say a good one is easy to find.
Love, like all nonessential luxury item, is often expensive and hard to find. You may end up on a waiting list for years or held back by circumstances beyond our control. But when you walk down the street with your imported Italian hanging stylishly on your arm, you'll be glad you waited. There is no accessory as becoming as love.
-Angela Gilltrap
She makes it sound like emotions dont fuck your brains. Like everything is systematic and formulated. Bullshit.
She's got a point somehow though.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
To K, the realer deal.
I don't want more of you
I don't want less of you
But we are going that way, if my instincts are correct
And in this case, I am trusting my instincts.
It is so complicated, this affair.
I'm just pretty sure you complete me.
You make me happy. In ways more than a friend could. And its a wonder, isn't it? It's a trick.
You fuel me these days.
I don't want you to be a part of the collection.
I don't want to lose you as a friend.
I've never been in such a cliche situation with so much complication.
I don't want less of you
But we are going that way, if my instincts are correct
And in this case, I am trusting my instincts.
It is so complicated, this affair.
I'm just pretty sure you complete me.
You make me happy. In ways more than a friend could. And its a wonder, isn't it? It's a trick.
You fuel me these days.
I don't want you to be a part of the collection.
I don't want to lose you as a friend.
I've never been in such a cliche situation with so much complication.
Brotherhood
Rr,
You are a blessing.
You are the only man in the world whom God has forbidden me to be malicious to.
Ugh, grammar sucks.
I love you very dearly.
You are my brother. You are my soulmate.
I love you and I find no shame in saying it.
I only hope that I will feel this way for you 'til the end of time.
You are the link that completes me. :)
You are a blessing.
You are the only man in the world whom God has forbidden me to be malicious to.
Ugh, grammar sucks.
I love you very dearly.
You are my brother. You are my soulmate.
I love you and I find no shame in saying it.
I only hope that I will feel this way for you 'til the end of time.
You are the link that completes me. :)
Saturday, December 27, 2008
The Not
Part of the string of consequences I get from the errs I've accumulated from the past is that O, aka the Outlaw, is hesitating.
He hesitates because, in the first fucking place, he doesnt want a girlfriend anyway. In the second, fucking place, the main plan has always been myself and him as friends and nothing more.
But more than that, he does not want to be a part of my collection of guys who liked me in the first place. Of the guys I kissed in the building.
Can I blame him?
In my first fucking place anyway, I don't want a boyfriend too anyway. And I like being friends with him.
And I don't know if I can handle being girlfriends with a guy whose had all the effinng experience in the world with all sort of girls.
Can you blame me?
Either way, I am in no position to complain. Or even to be sad about this. Because given a choice to be with him and not, I'd rather not as stated from the reasons above.
If this were a normal cliche literature, I would've injected something in this line in the content of: "but who knows" or "but things can't be helped" and moer cliche`-lly "love or whatever you call this pyschological emotional phenomenon can find its way to you when you don't want to."
He hesitates because, in the first fucking place, he doesnt want a girlfriend anyway. In the second, fucking place, the main plan has always been myself and him as friends and nothing more.
But more than that, he does not want to be a part of my collection of guys who liked me in the first place. Of the guys I kissed in the building.
Can I blame him?
In my first fucking place anyway, I don't want a boyfriend too anyway. And I like being friends with him.
And I don't know if I can handle being girlfriends with a guy whose had all the effinng experience in the world with all sort of girls.
Can you blame me?
Either way, I am in no position to complain. Or even to be sad about this. Because given a choice to be with him and not, I'd rather not as stated from the reasons above.
If this were a normal cliche literature, I would've injected something in this line in the content of: "but who knows" or "but things can't be helped" and moer cliche`-lly "love or whatever you call this pyschological emotional phenomenon can find its way to you when you don't want to."
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Prosepoetry.
Sago
(In raw form)
Poetry:
The most beautiful thing anout you
My beautiful Mr. Outlaw
Is your touch.
Rather, the lack of it.
How someone I expect
To slyly glide his skin
On exposed patches of mine
Doesnt.
How the rest of the world
Play saints and heroes
And you, Mr. Outlaw
Can't even bring yourself to touch me.
My Mr. Outlaw
Your my Mr. Outlaw
And I'm the frail little princess queen
With the fragile heart and brittle bones
You are the foreseeable future
To my a-haunting past
Event travelling slowly
In a timeline a tad too fast
You curl up the little wild child me
And put me in your pocket
Safe, unharmed, clanginging with your coins and bullets
And I fall asleep with a crisp blanket of you
All over my untouched skin.
Prose:
The most beautifuk thing about you, my beautiful Mr. Outlaw, is your touch. Rather, the lack of it. How someone I expect to slyly glide his skin on exposed patches of mine doesnt. How the rest of the world plays saints and heroes, and you, Mr. Outlaw, can't even bring youself to touch me.
My Mr.Outlaw, you're my Mr. Outlaw and I'm your frail little princess queen, with the fragile heart and brittle bones.
You are the foreseaablefuture to my a-haunting past. Events travel slowly in a timeline a tad too fast.
You curl up the little wild child me and put me in your pocket, safe, unharmed, clanging with your coins and bullets. And I fall asleep with a crisp white blanket of you all over my untouched skin.
Prose Wins.
(In raw form)
Poetry:
The most beautiful thing anout you
My beautiful Mr. Outlaw
Is your touch.
Rather, the lack of it.
How someone I expect
To slyly glide his skin
On exposed patches of mine
Doesnt.
How the rest of the world
Play saints and heroes
And you, Mr. Outlaw
Can't even bring yourself to touch me.
My Mr. Outlaw
Your my Mr. Outlaw
And I'm the frail little princess queen
With the fragile heart and brittle bones
You are the foreseeable future
To my a-haunting past
Event travelling slowly
In a timeline a tad too fast
You curl up the little wild child me
And put me in your pocket
Safe, unharmed, clanginging with your coins and bullets
And I fall asleep with a crisp blanket of you
All over my untouched skin.
Prose:
The most beautifuk thing about you, my beautiful Mr. Outlaw, is your touch. Rather, the lack of it. How someone I expect to slyly glide his skin on exposed patches of mine doesnt. How the rest of the world plays saints and heroes, and you, Mr. Outlaw, can't even bring youself to touch me.
My Mr.Outlaw, you're my Mr. Outlaw and I'm your frail little princess queen, with the fragile heart and brittle bones.
You are the foreseaablefuture to my a-haunting past. Events travel slowly in a timeline a tad too fast.
You curl up the little wild child me and put me in your pocket, safe, unharmed, clanging with your coins and bullets. And I fall asleep with a crisp white blanket of you all over my untouched skin.
Prose Wins.
Friday, November 28, 2008
MEANINGLESS
Some kisses are just not meant to be told anymore.
Yeah whatever I kissed Mk's friend on the cab the other night. Tongue-lessly. We cuddled a bit. I dunnoo.. it was just friendly. Excerpts like this doesn't even deserve to be on this blog.
BUT I KISSED HIM? WTF!?!!
Well his face was thisclose. Ugh next time I won't make the first move. I know its a two-way whataver. The other one does the initiation, the other one goes for the kill. Always.
You can't judge either.
He's a friend. And he'll remain to be.
And I'm not telling anyone becasue I'm ashamed. Im not telling because it is of no value anyway.
On the other hand. I am officially slutty.
Yeah whatever I kissed Mk's friend on the cab the other night. Tongue-lessly. We cuddled a bit. I dunnoo.. it was just friendly. Excerpts like this doesn't even deserve to be on this blog.
BUT I KISSED HIM? WTF!?!!
Well his face was thisclose. Ugh next time I won't make the first move. I know its a two-way whataver. The other one does the initiation, the other one goes for the kill. Always.
You can't judge either.
He's a friend. And he'll remain to be.
And I'm not telling anyone becasue I'm ashamed. Im not telling because it is of no value anyway.
On the other hand. I am officially slutty.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Perfect Kiss
The cab drives further and further into the night. The semi-busy road has become a charm.
His body warmth envelopes me completely. And I drown in his aroma. My chin brushes the warm skin on his shoulders.
His lips were on my cheeks. My lips were on his.
Moving slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly.
Until we get there.
I was in love for the moment. After a long agravation, I was in love in that supple moment.
And tomorrow we're friends.
His body warmth envelopes me completely. And I drown in his aroma. My chin brushes the warm skin on his shoulders.
His lips were on my cheeks. My lips were on his.
Moving slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly.
Until we get there.
I was in love for the moment. After a long agravation, I was in love in that supple moment.
And tomorrow we're friends.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Exie
I went out with the exie, the new girlfriend, and misc friends a while ago. Weirdly, I had so much fun with the hideous looking new gf. And I was so honest to death. And unbitter. But most of all I got the closure I needed.
I got to slap him with the gf's consent... and tell him that he broke my heart.
And I no longer have feelings for him.
He's the perfect guy, he was.. but the magic is no longer there.
I just feel at peace now.
I got to slap him with the gf's consent... and tell him that he broke my heart.
And I no longer have feelings for him.
He's the perfect guy, he was.. but the magic is no longer there.
I just feel at peace now.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Pschological Analysis
The freaking problem with you is:
You take the boy-ing around seriously.
You think parties are the work.
They aren't.
Your mind should be bombarded with thoughts of school and... nothing. There is no reason you should be thinking of anything. But you are. FUCK FUCK. Atleast you don't have PC games all over your brain... but still... this is just as destructive.
You even have a whole blog dedicated to recording your quests of boying around.
This "addiction" probably came from a bad childhood. The childhood where no one crushed on you. Where no one found you pretty.
WTF. You're just abnormal. And you are attempting to fulfill the ideal in a world that's more realistic. Realistic = having low expectations. Ideal = aiming for the impossible.
They would say that aiming for the impossible is the way to go since thats what the great minds and characters did... but what teh fuckah. And sometimes, your only hope is the fact that you've gone from blah to pretty.. and you now think you can do everything.
Gawd. This post just became an emo psychological analysis of my inner unconscious thoughts. Ack.
You take the boy-ing around seriously.
You think parties are the work.
They aren't.
Your mind should be bombarded with thoughts of school and... nothing. There is no reason you should be thinking of anything. But you are. FUCK FUCK. Atleast you don't have PC games all over your brain... but still... this is just as destructive.
You even have a whole blog dedicated to recording your quests of boying around.
This "addiction" probably came from a bad childhood. The childhood where no one crushed on you. Where no one found you pretty.
WTF. You're just abnormal. And you are attempting to fulfill the ideal in a world that's more realistic. Realistic = having low expectations. Ideal = aiming for the impossible.
They would say that aiming for the impossible is the way to go since thats what the great minds and characters did... but what teh fuckah. And sometimes, your only hope is the fact that you've gone from blah to pretty.. and you now think you can do everything.
Gawd. This post just became an emo psychological analysis of my inner unconscious thoughts. Ack.
Number 2
One of the reasons I even made this blog is so that I can stop on bothering my friends about the annoying minute details I dwell on everyday.
Like for example, Mk lying to my face that his battery is off, when he's a-hiding in the other room, texting possibly his girlfriend. The number 1.
I'm not even number 2.
I'm just someone. I'm like Female1. Just some "fantastic" girl that he makes out with. In his perception, I'm a slut of some sort. He thinks I do this boy-ing around for fun and I don't take it seriously.
Well, I'm a girl... and I'm human... and I totally like him. Gawd. I can say I'm infatuated by him, but we already made out. Does that count?
Rule#8 on L's how to be a good #2 guideline under the category "Dont Expect":
8. You deserve better.
And I do.
But I can wait. Whatever. What will happen will happen. I'm just in a fucking rut right now.
I WANT TO JUST GIVE UP ON BOYS!
I am letting this happen to me. Why? Because I can't find anyone out there I like to love me.
Like for example, Mk lying to my face that his battery is off, when he's a-hiding in the other room, texting possibly his girlfriend. The number 1.
I'm not even number 2.
I'm just someone. I'm like Female1. Just some "fantastic" girl that he makes out with. In his perception, I'm a slut of some sort. He thinks I do this boy-ing around for fun and I don't take it seriously.
Well, I'm a girl... and I'm human... and I totally like him. Gawd. I can say I'm infatuated by him, but we already made out. Does that count?
Rule#8 on L's how to be a good #2 guideline under the category "Dont Expect":
8. You deserve better.
And I do.
But I can wait. Whatever. What will happen will happen. I'm just in a fucking rut right now.
I WANT TO JUST GIVE UP ON BOYS!
I am letting this happen to me. Why? Because I can't find anyone out there I like to love me.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
The best thing I've ever done in a long time is this.
I stuck up for a friend.
For K.
One of the bestest friends whose ever been there for me when I was in trouble. He always gives me the smartest advices. Not necessarily the best, but good advices anyhows.
...
It's time to stop expecting from Mk. All he wants is to kiss me. In the cab ride home, he went all "we have our limits".
I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. I can't believe you have the slightest possiblity of being an asshole.
I likeD you so much because you might be a BIT different from the rest. Being the sweet guy you are despite the fact you're having an affair with me, and not asking me about it.
...
I seriously want a break from all the boy-dom. But there's nothing to keep me company. I love the drinking sessions, I do. And I love the intimacy.
I hate it that I'm all over Mk. Like some love-sick puppy, when he knows I have guys gushing all over me. Lots of them.
FIX ME FIX ME FIX ME FIX ME.
I stuck up for a friend.
For K.
One of the bestest friends whose ever been there for me when I was in trouble. He always gives me the smartest advices. Not necessarily the best, but good advices anyhows.
...
It's time to stop expecting from Mk. All he wants is to kiss me. In the cab ride home, he went all "we have our limits".
I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. I can't believe you have the slightest possiblity of being an asshole.
I likeD you so much because you might be a BIT different from the rest. Being the sweet guy you are despite the fact you're having an affair with me, and not asking me about it.
...
I seriously want a break from all the boy-dom. But there's nothing to keep me company. I love the drinking sessions, I do. And I love the intimacy.
I hate it that I'm all over Mk. Like some love-sick puppy, when he knows I have guys gushing all over me. Lots of them.
FIX ME FIX ME FIX ME FIX ME.
Wasted.
I'm in my worst shape ever.
1. I have three major boys in my life. All of whom will not take me seriously.
2. I am seriously in-like with one of them. The best one ofcourse. But he sees me as strictly his affair. Which I totally am not supposed to mind. But I do mind. Because I am getting emotional with him, and of all the men, he's the one who's all physical.
Fine all three of them are not serious anyways. What am I complaining about anyways? I wanted this. Might as well as enjoy it.
3. I am not in the DL list.
4. I go home smelling like beer and smoke everynight.
5. I have valiums.
6. I am broke. Broke with debts!
I NEED TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER!
1. I have three major boys in my life. All of whom will not take me seriously.
2. I am seriously in-like with one of them. The best one ofcourse. But he sees me as strictly his affair. Which I totally am not supposed to mind. But I do mind. Because I am getting emotional with him, and of all the men, he's the one who's all physical.
Fine all three of them are not serious anyways. What am I complaining about anyways? I wanted this. Might as well as enjoy it.
3. I am not in the DL list.
4. I go home smelling like beer and smoke everynight.
5. I have valiums.
6. I am broke. Broke with debts!
I NEED TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Affairs
It's official.
Mk and I have a thing.
It's not just some one-night-stand where we forget about everything the next morning. Again, it's something that may possibly go on for days, months, etc.
But I'm not expecting him to leave her.
...
I don't like him enough just yet.
Reality just bit me. He's not as cute as my infatuation has taught me.. not as fun, not as perfect. But I still like him. He's still "alright" for me :)
...
I still like the way he would've treat me though. :)
...
So...
I have this one private affair with J. And a public one with MK which will ruin my reputation. Oooer.
Fuck.
Still, no pressure.
Mk and I have a thing.
It's not just some one-night-stand where we forget about everything the next morning. Again, it's something that may possibly go on for days, months, etc.
But I'm not expecting him to leave her.
...
I don't like him enough just yet.
Reality just bit me. He's not as cute as my infatuation has taught me.. not as fun, not as perfect. But I still like him. He's still "alright" for me :)
...
I still like the way he would've treat me though. :)
...
So...
I have this one private affair with J. And a public one with MK which will ruin my reputation. Oooer.
Fuck.
Still, no pressure.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Selfish
I'm so deluded that I've allowed myself into comtemplating that Mk may be the NL. The infamous NL that I've quit pursuing.
It was just more or less 2 hours of frenching, cuddling, touching, and swee tongueing and I'm all over him.
Fuck.
I'm selfish. I know I can and I did.
My mom may be having an affair with someone and that someone is soo selfish that he wouldn't care less if he's ruining a family. Think of all the emotional investment. She's built her life around us. Why is it so easy for a guy to just snag her away.
It's because he can.
I do it to because I can.
I'm selfish. I make L cry. I go for him when I want to kiss. I went for J before because of the promises of glory and convenience through his ill-advertised wealth. I kissed J despite the fact that he has a girlfriend. I kissed another Male1 despite the fact that he already is an affair with a close friend of mine. I kissed my 2nd kiss even if I knew he had a girlfriend too. I am going after L's ex even if she's already warned me and almost as much as sworn to leave me for that. Well she didnt, but you get my point.
I dont want to ruin a relationship. It's fucking sick.
And I just know that he'll end everything tomorrow. The MK, the could've been NL.
It was just more or less 2 hours of frenching, cuddling, touching, and swee tongueing and I'm all over him.
Fuck.
I'm selfish. I know I can and I did.
My mom may be having an affair with someone and that someone is soo selfish that he wouldn't care less if he's ruining a family. Think of all the emotional investment. She's built her life around us. Why is it so easy for a guy to just snag her away.
It's because he can.
I do it to because I can.
I'm selfish. I make L cry. I go for him when I want to kiss. I went for J before because of the promises of glory and convenience through his ill-advertised wealth. I kissed J despite the fact that he has a girlfriend. I kissed another Male1 despite the fact that he already is an affair with a close friend of mine. I kissed my 2nd kiss even if I knew he had a girlfriend too. I am going after L's ex even if she's already warned me and almost as much as sworn to leave me for that. Well she didnt, but you get my point.
I dont want to ruin a relationship. It's fucking sick.
And I just know that he'll end everything tomorrow. The MK, the could've been NL.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
MK
I can't stop thinking of how MK kissed me. As much as he told me not to expect, I already am. It's just that I loooved talking to him that night. Seriously. And we were so nice to each other.
We just don't know what things will be like when classes start.
I guess we should've talked about it. Or maybe we'll just find out.
I mean, I do like him.. and I'm willing to snake him. Yes, I pretty much like him that much. Sucks that he isn't as cute as he SHOULD be, but I guess, well thats the price you pay. Well atleast they wont judge you.
Ahhah. But they will. Because you kissed with a guy who has a gf AGAIN.
I just STILL can't believe he did. I mean, why not, right? I'm a hot girl. And I used my body and hotness to my advantage.
Ack.
And the karma is I'm liking him so much when I shouldn't.
Plus my friends are getting tired of my boy talk.
P.S. He totally felt me up when we were making out.
I'm supposed to be happily SINGLE right now if we must know. I love you self. :*
We just don't know what things will be like when classes start.
I guess we should've talked about it. Or maybe we'll just find out.
I mean, I do like him.. and I'm willing to snake him. Yes, I pretty much like him that much. Sucks that he isn't as cute as he SHOULD be, but I guess, well thats the price you pay. Well atleast they wont judge you.
Ahhah. But they will. Because you kissed with a guy who has a gf AGAIN.
I just STILL can't believe he did. I mean, why not, right? I'm a hot girl. And I used my body and hotness to my advantage.
Ack.
And the karma is I'm liking him so much when I shouldn't.
Plus my friends are getting tired of my boy talk.
P.S. He totally felt me up when we were making out.
I'm supposed to be happily SINGLE right now if we must know. I love you self. :*
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Status Quo
So to get this straight...
I am juggling boys.
But I'm still single.
And I don't think there will be much changes about this for a long time. I sincerely like J and sincerely like MK, both of which are not available at the moment. I know it's supposed to be killing me, but honestly, I don't mind.
I don't mind just loving myself and just having myself... these guys just people to entertain me every once in a while. These men to adore me and all that... and they'd give me the chance... but it just isn't.
I'm just happy. That's all.
I can finally say I'm happy being single.
I am juggling boys.
But I'm still single.
And I don't think there will be much changes about this for a long time. I sincerely like J and sincerely like MK, both of which are not available at the moment. I know it's supposed to be killing me, but honestly, I don't mind.
I don't mind just loving myself and just having myself... these guys just people to entertain me every once in a while. These men to adore me and all that... and they'd give me the chance... but it just isn't.
I'm just happy. That's all.
I can finally say I'm happy being single.
MK + J + L
"M, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about awhile ago. It should never have happened that way. I respect you, okay? I'm just so sorry. It will never happen again."
-J's message.
"...Sorry and thank you for what happened, youknowwhatimean. But I don't regret anything. Seriously...."
-Mk's message.
...
WHO THE FUCK IS MK?
MK is the guy who wil never merely be a Male1. Someone I believe I SINCERELY like. Someone I wouldn't mind being with.
I can kiss him, I can talk with him, I can be with him.
MK's got a girl.
And as always I'm not expecting anything.
I like MK very much.
J is starting to respect me. I spent the morning at his place cuddling. We just cuddled, while his two girlfriends were making out in some posh subdivision somewhere. I don't know if he loves me. What do I feel?
I think that he has feeling for me. Great ones.
But I am not posh enough for him to show off around.
J, as much as I "love" you, we don't deserve each other.
L, I'm sorry I'm leaving you behind. You are the ultimate Male1. It was never working at all anyway.
-J's message.
"...Sorry and thank you for what happened, youknowwhatimean. But I don't regret anything. Seriously...."
-Mk's message.
...
WHO THE FUCK IS MK?
MK is the guy who wil never merely be a Male1. Someone I believe I SINCERELY like. Someone I wouldn't mind being with.
I can kiss him, I can talk with him, I can be with him.
MK's got a girl.
And as always I'm not expecting anything.
I like MK very much.
J is starting to respect me. I spent the morning at his place cuddling. We just cuddled, while his two girlfriends were making out in some posh subdivision somewhere. I don't know if he loves me. What do I feel?
I think that he has feeling for me. Great ones.
But I am not posh enough for him to show off around.
J, as much as I "love" you, we don't deserve each other.
L, I'm sorry I'm leaving you behind. You are the ultimate Male1. It was never working at all anyway.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I tried, okay? I did. I really really really did.
But I don't want to hurt him. And really, I'm just using his lips. His hands. His company.
BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT.
He's sweet fine. But he's demanding in an annoying whiney way.
And I knoooww.. he's not the one for me. He very much can't handle me. Even if he tried. He's a good talker fine.. not very great.. but he can socialize. But still.
:( I can't do this.
I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to be with him.
But I don't want to hurt him. And really, I'm just using his lips. His hands. His company.
BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT.
He's sweet fine. But he's demanding in an annoying whiney way.
And I knoooww.. he's not the one for me. He very much can't handle me. Even if he tried. He's a good talker fine.. not very great.. but he can socialize. But still.
:( I can't do this.
I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to be with him.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Male1 is now L2.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD HE KISSES.
Fine. So maybe I'm exagerrating. But its soooo good.
I WANT TO TELL HIM I LOVE HIM.. Yeah, but I don't.
Especially when he doesnt want to!
I WANT YOU I WANT YOU I WANT YOU!
I dont even like him, really. :And he likes me. No he doesnt. He just wants love. He doesnt want me.
Well who knows.. maybe I'll give him love. Then he gives me kisses.
I'm a bitch.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD HE KISSES.
Fine. So maybe I'm exagerrating. But its soooo good.
I WANT TO TELL HIM I LOVE HIM.. Yeah, but I don't.
Especially when he doesnt want to!
I WANT YOU I WANT YOU I WANT YOU!
I dont even like him, really. :And he likes me. No he doesnt. He just wants love. He doesnt want me.
Well who knows.. maybe I'll give him love. Then he gives me kisses.
I'm a bitch.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Miscellaneous
I might sing on stage with a great band for the college week. Ugh. I'm scared.
...
I hate Male1. How do I get him to leave me alone?
...
I am so fat.
My boobs are great. But this is just due to the hormonal imbalance of getting your period. Argh. Can't I keep it?
I knew it!
If it's too good to be true, it probably is.
Good on paper.
...
I hate Male1. How do I get him to leave me alone?
...
I am so fat.
My boobs are great. But this is just due to the hormonal imbalance of getting your period. Argh. Can't I keep it?
I knew it!
If it's too good to be true, it probably is.
Good on paper.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Ridding
Im not commitment phobic.
Or maybe I am.
But the current situation does not call out the answer of that question.
I DONT LIKE MALE1. I'm pretty much annoyed by him. Its like.. UGH. THE FUCK! I KISSED THAT? He's so little. And needy.
I really need to let go and figure life out without someone worshipping me. It seems to be my vice see, having them adore me. And what? We've known each other for less than a week.
I like J more than him.
THEY GET WORSE AND WORSE T_T.
No more bachelors out there. This sucks.
My ego is feeding itself. But my need of romance isn't. No I havent met the right one. I have my head in the air... I'm too good for the rest of them. That's why I play. I've yet to meet my match.
I want him to come around already.. the TRUE NL. But ofcourse, I'm willing to wait. :) I'm already tired of the dating around shit, but since he's not here yet.. why not indulge in this?
I know that philosophy sucks.. Ugh.
...
On the bright side. I got an inch on my boobies, but two on my waist.. which is very easily remedied.
...
I JUST WANT TO FUCKING GET RID OF THIS GUY!
Or maybe I am.
But the current situation does not call out the answer of that question.
I DONT LIKE MALE1. I'm pretty much annoyed by him. Its like.. UGH. THE FUCK! I KISSED THAT? He's so little. And needy.
I really need to let go and figure life out without someone worshipping me. It seems to be my vice see, having them adore me. And what? We've known each other for less than a week.
I like J more than him.
THEY GET WORSE AND WORSE T_T.
No more bachelors out there. This sucks.
My ego is feeding itself. But my need of romance isn't. No I havent met the right one. I have my head in the air... I'm too good for the rest of them. That's why I play. I've yet to meet my match.
I want him to come around already.. the TRUE NL. But ofcourse, I'm willing to wait. :) I'm already tired of the dating around shit, but since he's not here yet.. why not indulge in this?
I know that philosophy sucks.. Ugh.
...
On the bright side. I got an inch on my boobies, but two on my waist.. which is very easily remedied.
...
I JUST WANT TO FUCKING GET RID OF THIS GUY!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
ONS
I semi-fucke someone last night.
Let's call him Male1.
Maybe someday, he'll be fit for a letter or acronym of his own, but right now he's not.
I was meaning to write the brutal details yesterday, but I didnt have the time because I had to go to places. And now, I just wish I could write it properly.
I am fabulously uninlove.
Table of Content
I. Details of the one-night-stand
II. Realizations
III. Plans
IV. Current
V. Eye opener
I. Details of the ONS
I met him when I was with A, a girl I've been hanging out with a lot. He's ok. He's not that tall, he's skinny, he's kinda fun to be with. He's not bad.
He's immature though.
To make things short, in an hour of meeting him, we went torrid.. and in less than 12 hours, he got me to give him a blow job (which is pretty much against my INNER will), and he got to do stuff to me.
He smelled like great.
He was so little. (I'm used to making out with kinda tall or buff guys)
It was really great at first, but the latter parts of the semi-sex sucked aside from the casual cuddle.
Oh yeah, and btw... he asked me out if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Uh. No.
And he asked me to if we could have sex... uh NO NO NO!
II. Realizations
Sexy time is not all that.
The fingering tends to hurt.
I hate and suck at giving blowjobs.
And he squeezed my boobs as if it were stress balls.
HATE HATE HATE.
BUT, we kissed good. Proper tounge use. Nice lips. Nip libbling.
ST is overrated. It's not glamorous.
True Life is not glamorous.
III. Plans
But I soooooo don't want a boyfriend. Guys tend to be annoying when they're too fucking sweet. And he's like sooo immature. Trust me. Very.
And he hates spending. Trust me, it won't work.
I love myself too much.
IV. Current
He calls me 'baby' and messages me. Ugh.
I DONT LIKE HIM!
It was a one night stand. Maybe we can date as long as he won't bore me. Which he very much would.
V. Eve opener
Having a boyfriend isn't all that. It can actually be rather annoying at times too once you think about it.
I'm not rushing.
I wouldn't mind not having a guy for the rest of the year. I just have to relax.
I am slutty. And somehow traumatized... but not really, since I'm, like, beyond that.
Acting so sexy, guys tend to think you're open for sex. Not just sexy time, but sex itself. Which I don't want because, I just like to kiss. I'm not an entirely great fan of ST anyhows.
I am fabulously uninlove.
Let's call him Male1.
Maybe someday, he'll be fit for a letter or acronym of his own, but right now he's not.
I was meaning to write the brutal details yesterday, but I didnt have the time because I had to go to places. And now, I just wish I could write it properly.
I am fabulously uninlove.
Table of Content
I. Details of the one-night-stand
II. Realizations
III. Plans
IV. Current
V. Eye opener
I. Details of the ONS
I met him when I was with A, a girl I've been hanging out with a lot. He's ok. He's not that tall, he's skinny, he's kinda fun to be with. He's not bad.
He's immature though.
To make things short, in an hour of meeting him, we went torrid.. and in less than 12 hours, he got me to give him a blow job (which is pretty much against my INNER will), and he got to do stuff to me.
He smelled like great.
He was so little. (I'm used to making out with kinda tall or buff guys)
It was really great at first, but the latter parts of the semi-sex sucked aside from the casual cuddle.
Oh yeah, and btw... he asked me out if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Uh. No.
And he asked me to if we could have sex... uh NO NO NO!
II. Realizations
Sexy time is not all that.
The fingering tends to hurt.
I hate and suck at giving blowjobs.
And he squeezed my boobs as if it were stress balls.
HATE HATE HATE.
BUT, we kissed good. Proper tounge use. Nice lips. Nip libbling.
ST is overrated. It's not glamorous.
True Life is not glamorous.
III. Plans
But I soooooo don't want a boyfriend. Guys tend to be annoying when they're too fucking sweet. And he's like sooo immature. Trust me. Very.
And he hates spending. Trust me, it won't work.
I love myself too much.
IV. Current
He calls me 'baby' and messages me. Ugh.
I DONT LIKE HIM!
It was a one night stand. Maybe we can date as long as he won't bore me. Which he very much would.
V. Eve opener
Having a boyfriend isn't all that. It can actually be rather annoying at times too once you think about it.
I'm not rushing.
I wouldn't mind not having a guy for the rest of the year. I just have to relax.
I am slutty. And somehow traumatized... but not really, since I'm, like, beyond that.
Acting so sexy, guys tend to think you're open for sex. Not just sexy time, but sex itself. Which I don't want because, I just like to kiss. I'm not an entirely great fan of ST anyhows.
I am fabulously uninlove.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Sex dream
On the later part of the day, I woke up minutes before 5:00 extremely pleased and amused and dellusionally inlove and dellusionally satisfied.
I semi-fucked L's CURRENT boyfriend on my dream.
I just learned what it is to be actually in love after sex. This is why an old crush and his current not-too-pretty-but-ok-nonetheless girlfriend first started dating anyway, because they had good sex.
L's BF was so freaking hot. This is not the first time I've dreamt of kissing him, by the way. And there's always lots of electricity when I dream of him. It's always so goddarn hot. I swear. Best dream kisses.
This is just proof of my a.) snakeyness and b.) of my unsatisfaction due to lack of men.
Anyway, it's just a good good dream. (Details: We did it on the floor, at the back of the door in his apartment, and everything was pitch dark. Yeah. IT WAS A REALLY REALLY AWESOME KISS and semi-fuck. He didn't love me, but I may as well as be in love with him at that point. Being a good kisser can make you make someone fall!)
That was the perfect cure to my early this day dilemma.
The thing now is, I've never hidden a secret from L. Ever. We have this unspoken covenant that inner thought are to be digested, and analyzed together. And I will NEVER/never/"never" jeopardize our friendship. As much as I can. Gawd, can't I be a good friend? It's just that my hormones are all over the place.
P.S. The ex is boring to boot.
I semi-fucked L's CURRENT boyfriend on my dream.
I just learned what it is to be actually in love after sex. This is why an old crush and his current not-too-pretty-but-ok-nonetheless girlfriend first started dating anyway, because they had good sex.
L's BF was so freaking hot. This is not the first time I've dreamt of kissing him, by the way. And there's always lots of electricity when I dream of him. It's always so goddarn hot. I swear. Best dream kisses.
This is just proof of my a.) snakeyness and b.) of my unsatisfaction due to lack of men.
Anyway, it's just a good good dream. (Details: We did it on the floor, at the back of the door in his apartment, and everything was pitch dark. Yeah. IT WAS A REALLY REALLY AWESOME KISS and semi-fuck. He didn't love me, but I may as well as be in love with him at that point. Being a good kisser can make you make someone fall!)
That was the perfect cure to my early this day dilemma.
The thing now is, I've never hidden a secret from L. Ever. We have this unspoken covenant that inner thought are to be digested, and analyzed together. And I will NEVER/never/"never" jeopardize our friendship. As much as I can. Gawd, can't I be a good friend? It's just that my hormones are all over the place.
P.S. The ex is boring to boot.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
DAMN IT!
I wake up today at 10:??am thinking very strongly and irrationally: I WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!
How come butt ugly girls get boyfriends. Like 3 boyfriends. WHY? WHY? WHY?
Here's an example: the J-girl's bestfriend. Gawd. It's not like she's pretty. Or nice. But she gets OK boyfriends. Well her boyfriend right now is OK, maybe the last two were just fine, and the first one left her for a goddess anyhows. Well, whatever. A boyfriend's still a boyfriend.
Shoot me.
I JUST WANT A GREAT GUY. Please.
Every single day is empty. Empty. Difficult. Hurtful.
Uhhuh. EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Which is why I'm compromising myself. Because I'm tired of empty. It's been, what? 8 month godfuckingdamnit!
Yooohooo!! Law of attraction! I WANT A BOYFRIEND. A NORMAL ONE. IS ANYONE EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!?!? SOME GREAT GUY TO LOVE. HELLOO!?!?
My standards have already become so looow, because I am needy for company. Especially now that I'm on academic break and have nothing to keep me busy. Stupid fuck. What is wrong with this world?
Why did the media have to decieve us that finding a great guy is so easy, when here I am, begging, scratching, PRAYING for one?
What is wrong with this world? Why did I have to be single, have the nicest person I've ever met as my ex-boyfriend, when everyone now is pat of a couple? I've never thought I'll be in such a desperate situation. It sucks.
I really do want to cry.
AND NO, LOVES. IT IS NOT SHALLOW! BELIEVE ME. WHEN YOU WAKE UP PISSED OFF AT LIFE FOR BEING ALONE WHEN YOU KNOW HOW GREAT YOU ARE, YOU'LL GET PISSED OFF TOO!
I know he doesn't have to be perfect, because if you love someone, you forget all imperfection, and just love. BUT CAN'T HE BE A GREAT GUY FOR ME. PLEASE?
Can't I just love?
I AM NOT BEING IMPATIENT. I AM BEING DEMANDING BECAUSE I DESERVE ONE AND NO ONE'S AROUND. FUCCCKK! I HATE THIS.
How come butt ugly girls get boyfriends. Like 3 boyfriends. WHY? WHY? WHY?
Here's an example: the J-girl's bestfriend. Gawd. It's not like she's pretty. Or nice. But she gets OK boyfriends. Well her boyfriend right now is OK, maybe the last two were just fine, and the first one left her for a goddess anyhows. Well, whatever. A boyfriend's still a boyfriend.
Shoot me.
I JUST WANT A GREAT GUY. Please.
Every single day is empty. Empty. Difficult. Hurtful.
Uhhuh. EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Which is why I'm compromising myself. Because I'm tired of empty. It's been, what? 8 month godfuckingdamnit!
Yooohooo!! Law of attraction! I WANT A BOYFRIEND. A NORMAL ONE. IS ANYONE EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!?!? SOME GREAT GUY TO LOVE. HELLOO!?!?
My standards have already become so looow, because I am needy for company. Especially now that I'm on academic break and have nothing to keep me busy. Stupid fuck. What is wrong with this world?
Why did the media have to decieve us that finding a great guy is so easy, when here I am, begging, scratching, PRAYING for one?
What is wrong with this world? Why did I have to be single, have the nicest person I've ever met as my ex-boyfriend, when everyone now is pat of a couple? I've never thought I'll be in such a desperate situation. It sucks.
I really do want to cry.
AND NO, LOVES. IT IS NOT SHALLOW! BELIEVE ME. WHEN YOU WAKE UP PISSED OFF AT LIFE FOR BEING ALONE WHEN YOU KNOW HOW GREAT YOU ARE, YOU'LL GET PISSED OFF TOO!
I know he doesn't have to be perfect, because if you love someone, you forget all imperfection, and just love. BUT CAN'T HE BE A GREAT GUY FOR ME. PLEASE?
Can't I just love?
I AM NOT BEING IMPATIENT. I AM BEING DEMANDING BECAUSE I DESERVE ONE AND NO ONE'S AROUND. FUCCCKK! I HATE THIS.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
On A Roll.
Of all the people in the world, Male 1 has seen right through me. He sees me as what I really am. The biggest flirt jammed in a sufficiently pretty 90-pound package.
..
L's Ex.
The ex: "Is anyone officially after her?"
L: "No. Don't get any ideas."
The ex: "What if I can't help it anymore? What if we can't help it?"
L: "Gawd dear. M's got lots of boys. I know you. You can't handle that."
The ex: "I'm comfortable around her."
L: "Please. Leave her alone. M's in a sad state too and we're doing our best to get her to smile. We can't afford having you dragging our efforts down."
...
I'm happy. Possible because I'm in this state where I've got my selection of (jerk-y) boys. I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm just looking around. Wasting my time. Etc etc.
It get's sad sometimes, yeah. It's like not having any real friends. That's what you feel when you dont have real friends, you only have jerk ones. I don't have the real One either.
But who's rushing, right?
So what if I'm single. I'm beautiful, smart, fun. I'm on a roll. I've got them thinking that I'm one of the most sought after bachelorettes.
I've got a very unlikely reputation. Agh. I'm around.
..
L's Ex.
The ex: "Is anyone officially after her?"
L: "No. Don't get any ideas."
The ex: "What if I can't help it anymore? What if we can't help it?"
L: "Gawd dear. M's got lots of boys. I know you. You can't handle that."
The ex: "I'm comfortable around her."
L: "Please. Leave her alone. M's in a sad state too and we're doing our best to get her to smile. We can't afford having you dragging our efforts down."
...
I'm happy. Possible because I'm in this state where I've got my selection of (jerk-y) boys. I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm just looking around. Wasting my time. Etc etc.
It get's sad sometimes, yeah. It's like not having any real friends. That's what you feel when you dont have real friends, you only have jerk ones. I don't have the real One either.
But who's rushing, right?
So what if I'm single. I'm beautiful, smart, fun. I'm on a roll. I've got them thinking that I'm one of the most sought after bachelorettes.
I've got a very unlikely reputation. Agh. I'm around.
Disclaimer
Fine. Actually. I just like him for sex. Or the thought of it. And the pretty pictures in bed that trashy mags will not have, but artistic classy mags would. He's so prettyy. Sigh.
L's Ex
L's Ex likes me. For real. He want to pursuade me.
WOOW!
Someone CUTE actually likes me that much. But ofcourse. Out of respect for my lovely lovely L, it's not going to work.
It's weird really.
Who would've thought.
L actually initiated the thought though.
I know N's semi-BF already told me that it might be Him, but what the heck. It's not. It shouldn't be.
It's too weird.
Uhhuh.
I like him. Ish. Well, I think he's pretty. He doesnt give me the shivers though.
But what the heck heck. I like everyone.
And he's just got a pretty pretty face.
And he's too sad to boot. Ugh. Males.
WOOW!
Someone CUTE actually likes me that much. But ofcourse. Out of respect for my lovely lovely L, it's not going to work.
It's weird really.
Who would've thought.
L actually initiated the thought though.
I know N's semi-BF already told me that it might be Him, but what the heck. It's not. It shouldn't be.
It's too weird.
Uhhuh.
I like him. Ish. Well, I think he's pretty. He doesnt give me the shivers though.
But what the heck heck. I like everyone.
And he's just got a pretty pretty face.
And he's too sad to boot. Ugh. Males.
Monday, October 6, 2008
M built a hole on her belly button
Because she is indulging in the lifestyle
A bit different than the one she was used to
The lifestyly isn't all that bad
As long as you get things done
With flare and love and passion
As long as you treat your sisters out
And join your dad on long drives
And chat with your mom in bed
And as long as you go home whole and happy
Unhurt
With the ring in its right place.
Because she is indulging in the lifestyle
A bit different than the one she was used to
The lifestyly isn't all that bad
As long as you get things done
With flare and love and passion
As long as you treat your sisters out
And join your dad on long drives
And chat with your mom in bed
And as long as you go home whole and happy
Unhurt
With the ring in its right place.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I will most likely end up with either one of the categories I will be stating:
1. The Catch
These are the perfect(ish) guys who will love me completely and still remain perfect and loving. A mix that is rarely seen these days.
2. The Swooners
They aren't even pretty, but their tounges are made of sugar, and they shower you with words that make you melt.
...
I feel so alone.
Admit it.
You let go because of some messed up ideal you had in your mind. Because of your infatuation over some overrated glamorous fantasy which isnt how the real world actually goes. But what the heck right? It's either you tie him up and not now that that was it and you weren't actually missing anything and not appreciate him, or you let go and breathe life the way it is.
Pessimist.
1. The Catch
These are the perfect(ish) guys who will love me completely and still remain perfect and loving. A mix that is rarely seen these days.
2. The Swooners
They aren't even pretty, but their tounges are made of sugar, and they shower you with words that make you melt.
...
I feel so alone.
Admit it.
You let go because of some messed up ideal you had in your mind. Because of your infatuation over some overrated glamorous fantasy which isnt how the real world actually goes. But what the heck right? It's either you tie him up and not now that that was it and you weren't actually missing anything and not appreciate him, or you let go and breathe life the way it is.
Pessimist.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
These are the things I love about myself that not anyon else does.
1. I can be whatever I want to be. I can be a bit too cowboy, I can be fashionista. I dunno.. I just think I can be whatever I want to be. Girly, ungirly, slut, virgin.. boyish.. whatever.
2. I can think.
3. I always aim to be a better person.
...
btw. Why do I look up to Male1? I don't even know the guy!
...
1. I can be whatever I want to be. I can be a bit too cowboy, I can be fashionista. I dunno.. I just think I can be whatever I want to be. Girly, ungirly, slut, virgin.. boyish.. whatever.
2. I can think.
3. I always aim to be a better person.
...
btw. Why do I look up to Male1? I don't even know the guy!
...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Out of control
I don't like Male1 anymore. And I dont like J. And I dont like the other Male1 AT ALL in the first place.
The others? I never liked in the first place.
I don't have no one.
Sometimes, you can't help who you're attracted to. Who you love. Etc, etc. We're all just hoping for the bestest best.
Atleast I'm pretty. Which isn't much in a world full of other pretties.
...
Dear NL,
You are not around.
-M
The others? I never liked in the first place.
I don't have no one.
Sometimes, you can't help who you're attracted to. Who you love. Etc, etc. We're all just hoping for the bestest best.
Atleast I'm pretty. Which isn't much in a world full of other pretties.
...
Dear NL,
You are not around.
-M
Pierced
I had my navel pierced.
It feels some sort of initiation to the world of slutiness. Ugh.
Tragically, though, I did it for totally weird reasons.
The 10 reasons M built a hole in her belly button
1. It's something I've always wanted to do and knew I had the right to. (I've got a rather pretty tummy, see.)
2. It's now or never
3. I've almost gotten to 90 pounds, and that was my condition.
4. I am so tiny. I need to make myself a bit sexier than what I really am.
5. Duh. Because it's hot.
6. Because Male1 may find it hot. Oooer.
7. Because I told myself that the pain is better than heart ache. Or atleast it could divert my attention.
8. My sister wanted it too.
9. Because sem break is around and it'd totally make my bikini prettier.
10. I want.
I can't write. Ugh. I'll go get ready for school.
It feels some sort of initiation to the world of slutiness. Ugh.
Tragically, though, I did it for totally weird reasons.
The 10 reasons M built a hole in her belly button
1. It's something I've always wanted to do and knew I had the right to. (I've got a rather pretty tummy, see.)
2. It's now or never
3. I've almost gotten to 90 pounds, and that was my condition.
4. I am so tiny. I need to make myself a bit sexier than what I really am.
5. Duh. Because it's hot.
6. Because Male1 may find it hot. Oooer.
7. Because I told myself that the pain is better than heart ache. Or atleast it could divert my attention.
8. My sister wanted it too.
9. Because sem break is around and it'd totally make my bikini prettier.
10. I want.
I can't write. Ugh. I'll go get ready for school.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I do not have a boy for myself. But I have Boys.
An old crush told me this before and I wasn't able to understand or appreciate it, but now that I do, I feel so much better.
These boys take care of me.
...
The sucky thing about Male1 is the fact that he is the only crush so far who has shown no interest in me. Sucks.
An old crush told me this before and I wasn't able to understand or appreciate it, but now that I do, I feel so much better.
These boys take care of me.
...
The sucky thing about Male1 is the fact that he is the only crush so far who has shown no interest in me. Sucks.
Friday, September 26, 2008
I like Male1 an itsybitsy tinnyweeny bit too much. Just a bit, sometimes. But most of the times, I like him just right.. or not exactly too much at all.
Get my drift?
It's not exactly hopeless, see? It's just that the chances are not above 50%. He's living his world, and I'm living mine. We are so effing different. And he's not what I'm looking for.
I just, I don't know... Like him.
Besides. We're so better off as friends.
I know these statements sound like those cheezy lits where we actually end up together, but it's not actually. Ack. I just like him, and that makes me smile. I guess that's enough.
I love life though.
...
I'm hanging out with the boys lots today. And the girls too. Everything's just perfect. Balance. Peace. :* Love you self.
Get my drift?
It's not exactly hopeless, see? It's just that the chances are not above 50%. He's living his world, and I'm living mine. We are so effing different. And he's not what I'm looking for.
I just, I don't know... Like him.
Besides. We're so better off as friends.
I know these statements sound like those cheezy lits where we actually end up together, but it's not actually. Ack. I just like him, and that makes me smile. I guess that's enough.
I love life though.
...
I'm hanging out with the boys lots today. And the girls too. Everything's just perfect. Balance. Peace. :* Love you self.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
I am in love with love.
I look at the pictures of people I barely know, see them happily in love, and I feel kilig overwhelm me. For them. For me.
I am in love with love. Not with just anyone.
I want to be in love with you, not with the concept of you.
And as cliche and gross as this sounds, I'm not rushing. :*
...
What is wrong with me? I make paasa. Uhhuh. I'm that kind of girl. :( I dont want to hurt anyone. I dont want to just experiment. How can you experience everything without experimenting though.
I look at the pictures of people I barely know, see them happily in love, and I feel kilig overwhelm me. For them. For me.
I am in love with love. Not with just anyone.
I want to be in love with you, not with the concept of you.
And as cliche and gross as this sounds, I'm not rushing. :*
...
What is wrong with me? I make paasa. Uhhuh. I'm that kind of girl. :( I dont want to hurt anyone. I dont want to just experiment. How can you experience everything without experimenting though.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Indulge
I spent the day thinking of Male1. Another day. Sigh. If I had other things to do, I'd be.. duh.. doing other things than that. Unfortunately, I don't.
Sigh.
Haha.
Right now, I feel great. Very. Smiling. Hopeful. Excited.
...
Indulge in the crushie. Soon it'll be gone anyways.
Sigh.
Haha.
Right now, I feel great. Very. Smiling. Hopeful. Excited.
...
Indulge in the crushie. Soon it'll be gone anyways.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Flirting away
SCo.
Male 1.
Another Male1.
I smell like a night of vice, as usual.
I will stop smoking for a month.
Through some weird turn of fate, he sat down beside me, and we sang at the karaoke together. He pointed out that he'll touch my legs, which is so not a big deal, because he was just joking. Er. He pointed out how white his legs are.
I FLIRTED WITH HIM LIKE I ALWAYS DO WITH PEOPLE. I take off his scrunchy, I lean on his legs... I play footsie A BIT... yadayadayadayada.. I don't even want to think about it. About anything. Because he's a friend. And I don't want anything weirded out.
M, please remind yourself that he's got yellow teeth. Badtrip, you're drunk kasi.
Argh.
Ampf.
Argh.
Don't take it seriously, though.
On less serious-er notes, I promise Male2, a male blockmate whose bugging me lots, that I'll kiss him. Haha. It's cute. But duh.. I won't. Im such a flirtatious character, I am.
Stop thinking that they are your boys, because you're not their girl. Not any one of these guys. No pressure. And none of them is quite worth it anyway. No one worth past 24 hours.
...
On the other hand, J proclaims (ish) his love (ish) for me to the boys. Aww, sweet.
You know what's funny.. I don't even want to think about it. About anything. Nada.
...
I just don't want to go back there. The dark ages. I'm scared of the dark ages.
...
Dear M of the future days,
You're going back to these pages one day and laugh at it. More so, find yourself foolish. That's what you ALWAYS get for impulse flirting with guys you dont actually like in the first place. But what's practice to you, no?
Are you still on your quest for a Him? The NL? No, you're not. You're just out there, being the little girl that you are. Pretty, charming, sweet, lovely, normal. Normal.
As long as you're happy, what else is there to it?
-Sep2008 version of M
Male 1.
Another Male1.
I smell like a night of vice, as usual.
I will stop smoking for a month.
Through some weird turn of fate, he sat down beside me, and we sang at the karaoke together. He pointed out that he'll touch my legs, which is so not a big deal, because he was just joking. Er. He pointed out how white his legs are.
I FLIRTED WITH HIM LIKE I ALWAYS DO WITH PEOPLE. I take off his scrunchy, I lean on his legs... I play footsie A BIT... yadayadayadayada.. I don't even want to think about it. About anything. Because he's a friend. And I don't want anything weirded out.
M, please remind yourself that he's got yellow teeth. Badtrip, you're drunk kasi.
Argh.
Ampf.
Argh.
Don't take it seriously, though.
On less serious-er notes, I promise Male2, a male blockmate whose bugging me lots, that I'll kiss him. Haha. It's cute. But duh.. I won't. Im such a flirtatious character, I am.
Stop thinking that they are your boys, because you're not their girl. Not any one of these guys. No pressure. And none of them is quite worth it anyway. No one worth past 24 hours.
...
On the other hand, J proclaims (ish) his love (ish) for me to the boys. Aww, sweet.
You know what's funny.. I don't even want to think about it. About anything. Nada.
...
I just don't want to go back there. The dark ages. I'm scared of the dark ages.
...
Dear M of the future days,
You're going back to these pages one day and laugh at it. More so, find yourself foolish. That's what you ALWAYS get for impulse flirting with guys you dont actually like in the first place. But what's practice to you, no?
Are you still on your quest for a Him? The NL? No, you're not. You're just out there, being the little girl that you are. Pretty, charming, sweet, lovely, normal. Normal.
As long as you're happy, what else is there to it?
-Sep2008 version of M
Friday, September 19, 2008
Magic
Going home late, having smoked half a cigarette pack and drank sufficient amount of alcohol has its charm. Magic.
Male1
I promised this guy.. let's call him Male1 that I will have lunch with him.
He's okay.. but he's not pretty enough.. and I have no idea what his like. You know how pretty much critical I can be. I mean, reputation dear... what does his friends think of him. Is he a highly respected son of a bitch. Has he dated too much girls. Yadayadayadayada...
My gaawwsh.
I dont know how to handle this actually.
I dont want to end up regretting I ever went out with him.. Ack. I hate N. She makes me feel that way. Don't like her to much. L and the others will love me no matter what. But N makes me feel like, I don't know. Fucking critical! I hate her.
CAN I TELL HIM THAT I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS AFTER PROMISING GOING OUT WITH HIM. And besides, his body does not suck.
He's okay.. but he's not pretty enough.. and I have no idea what his like. You know how pretty much critical I can be. I mean, reputation dear... what does his friends think of him. Is he a highly respected son of a bitch. Has he dated too much girls. Yadayadayadayada...
My gaawwsh.
I dont know how to handle this actually.
I dont want to end up regretting I ever went out with him.. Ack. I hate N. She makes me feel that way. Don't like her to much. L and the others will love me no matter what. But N makes me feel like, I don't know. Fucking critical! I hate her.
CAN I TELL HIM THAT I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS AFTER PROMISING GOING OUT WITH HIM. And besides, his body does not suck.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Happily Single
N asked me, "Will you take your next boyfriend seriously?"
Before I even got to think about it, I said "No."
That one moment changed greatly how I viewed everything.
I don't want to be seriously involved. I have the rest of life ahead of me. I have 20 more years to find love of whatever sort.
Great guys are out there, you know. This is the Phil. I don't mind settling down at 40 if that's what life wants for me.
In the meantime, if I snag a guy, I snag a guy. If I don't, then I don't. I guess I have to stick to this now. No more bitterness. No more whining when people are being all affectionate. No more desperately flirting with any guy that comes my way. No more screening prospects.
I have to prove to them that I don't need a guy anymore.
And prove to myself in the process that I'm a completely happy person with just what I have.
In the meantime, I'm indulging in everything I've deprived myself of on the dark ages. Magazines. Movies. Clothes. Accesories. Good food. Great movies. Great books. Glamour. Makeup.
I don't want to care about what they see about me anymore.
I am glamour. I know I'm a friendly and totally amicable person, but I'm no longer pushing myself. I love my friends. They are great parts of my life just the way they are. I love my family.
God I surrender everything to you.
Before I even got to think about it, I said "No."
That one moment changed greatly how I viewed everything.
I don't want to be seriously involved. I have the rest of life ahead of me. I have 20 more years to find love of whatever sort.
Great guys are out there, you know. This is the Phil. I don't mind settling down at 40 if that's what life wants for me.
In the meantime, if I snag a guy, I snag a guy. If I don't, then I don't. I guess I have to stick to this now. No more bitterness. No more whining when people are being all affectionate. No more desperately flirting with any guy that comes my way. No more screening prospects.
I have to prove to them that I don't need a guy anymore.
And prove to myself in the process that I'm a completely happy person with just what I have.
In the meantime, I'm indulging in everything I've deprived myself of on the dark ages. Magazines. Movies. Clothes. Accesories. Good food. Great movies. Great books. Glamour. Makeup.
I don't want to care about what they see about me anymore.
I am glamour. I know I'm a friendly and totally amicable person, but I'm no longer pushing myself. I love my friends. They are great parts of my life just the way they are. I love my family.
God I surrender everything to you.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Folks
My parents are going through a tough time.
I'm going through a tough time.
Everything's just being tough.
I used to think that there's something in life that is forever... like my mom loving my dad, and all that shit.
Sigh.
I'm going through a tough time.
Everything's just being tough.
I used to think that there's something in life that is forever... like my mom loving my dad, and all that shit.
Sigh.
Sick.
The clearest arrive to you when you've just woken up.
...
I have Cyclothymia.
It's a milder, more manageable form of bipolar disorder.
I am depressed. Again.
"With cyclothymia, you have short periods of emotional highs when you feel on top of the world, followed by lows that may leave you feeling hopeless and suicidal. And in between these cyclothymic highs and lows, you may have times when your mood is stable and you feel fine."
"
...
I have Cyclothymia.
It's a milder, more manageable form of bipolar disorder.
I am depressed. Again.
"With cyclothymia, you have short periods of emotional highs when you feel on top of the world, followed by lows that may leave you feeling hopeless and suicidal. And in between these cyclothymic highs and lows, you may have times when your mood is stable and you feel fine."
"
Hypomanic phase of cyclothymic disorder
Signs and symptoms of hypomanic episodes of cyclothymia may include:
- Unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria)
- Extreme optimism
- Inflated self-esteem
- Poor judgment
- Rapid speech
- Racing thoughts
- Aggressive or hostile behavior
- Being inconsiderate of others
- Agitation
- Increased physical activity
- Risky behavior
- Spending sprees
- Increased drive to perform or achieve goals
- Increased sexual drive
- Decreased need for sleep
- Tendency to be easily distracted
- Inability to concentrate
Depressive phase of cyclothymic disorder
Signs and symptoms of depressive episodes of cyclothymia may include:
- Sadness
- Hopelessness
- Suicidal thoughts or behavior
- Anxiety
- Guilt
- Sleep problems
- Appetite problems
- Fatigue
- Loss of interest in daily activities
- Problems concentrating
- Irritability
- Chronic pain without a known cause"
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I want.
I want to live. I want to a story to tell.
I want to live excitingly.
Meet new people.
Explore new territories.
Try unfamilliar things.
Indulge in my art and passions.
I want to better myself.
To learn.
To grow as an amazing and beautiful person.
I want to help.
Love everyone.
Never hurt anybody.
I want to live excitingly.
Meet new people.
Explore new territories.
Try unfamilliar things.
Indulge in my art and passions.
I want to better myself.
To learn.
To grow as an amazing and beautiful person.
I want to help.
Love everyone.
Never hurt anybody.
Tired.
Dear NL,
Supposedly, I write for you. For something you can read in the future. However, there is no sight of you at the moment. So you are dismissed. The dismissal is indefinite.
I just want to tell you I love you. Whoever you are.
And I'm not expecting anymore. I'm hoping, I am. But I've just gotten tired.
M.
Supposedly, I write for you. For something you can read in the future. However, there is no sight of you at the moment. So you are dismissed. The dismissal is indefinite.
I just want to tell you I love you. Whoever you are.
And I'm not expecting anymore. I'm hoping, I am. But I've just gotten tired.
M.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
OMG
DEAR J,
OMG.
I LIKE YOU AGAIN.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE SO LIKEY-LIKEY?
I CAN'T BREATHE (ish).
It's getting deeper. But it's so much better because we're friends now. It's better, we're friends.
I still don't trust you yet.
I have no evidence that I can trust you with anything.
Still,
M.
OMG.
I LIKE YOU AGAIN.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE SO LIKEY-LIKEY?
I CAN'T BREATHE (ish).
It's getting deeper. But it's so much better because we're friends now. It's better, we're friends.
I still don't trust you yet.
I have no evidence that I can trust you with anything.
Still,
M.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Life is good again.
Happy 19th birthday, lovely.
The Core has been extremely sweet. I love you N, L, T, Ji, and G. So much. My bash was a success: no one threw up, but we had fun.
EVERYTHING'S BEING GREAT RIGHT NOW.
The Core has been extremely sweet. I love you N, L, T, Ji, and G. So much. My bash was a success: no one threw up, but we had fun.
EVERYTHING'S BEING GREAT RIGHT NOW.
What is this?
Dearest J,
It's either you treat me like the princess that I'm meant to be treated like or I leave. Ack. I don't think neither of us would mind.
WHY CAN'T THIS JUST WORK OUT ON ITS OWN. WHATEVER IT IS.
Is it because I'm a complicated bitch? Or is it because I just can sense how unhealthy this is.
It's a tad better, it is... but we're not there yet. We'll we ever be there?
Hopefully a friend,
M.
P.S. I don't deserve this. I am made as No.1. not just second to anyone else. And I'm not aiming to be your No.1 anyway.
It's either you treat me like the princess that I'm meant to be treated like or I leave. Ack. I don't think neither of us would mind.
WHY CAN'T THIS JUST WORK OUT ON ITS OWN. WHATEVER IT IS.
Is it because I'm a complicated bitch? Or is it because I just can sense how unhealthy this is.
It's a tad better, it is... but we're not there yet. We'll we ever be there?
Hopefully a friend,
M.
P.S. I don't deserve this. I am made as No.1. not just second to anyone else. And I'm not aiming to be your No.1 anyway.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Last chance
Dear J,
I dont trust you.
Earn it.
Be a friend.
A real one.
Or I go.
Last chance.
Yours truly,
M
I dont trust you.
Earn it.
Be a friend.
A real one.
Or I go.
Last chance.
Yours truly,
M
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
V
Your Miss M is a virgin.
It's one of the verities I told myself not to confess to this blog, but here it is... Miss M is a virgin. I'm turning 19 soon.
I'm doing it with someone I love soon. :) Or maybe after I get married. It's when I'm 19 or never. O_o
It's one of the verities I told myself not to confess to this blog, but here it is... Miss M is a virgin. I'm turning 19 soon.
I'm doing it with someone I love soon. :) Or maybe after I get married. It's when I'm 19 or never. O_o
Friday, August 22, 2008
A facts that is slighty wrong about me not so secretly
I like the guy more when someone likes them. Human nature I guess. You like the thing that other people like having. There's victory in getting them somehow.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I spent the evening with N's Semi-boyfriend/s. No wonder she loves them. I know that I don't get to talk much to them because I can be really uptight sometimes, but they give the best conversation. I wish I could've talked more with them. Especially the real Semi-boyfriend since I've always wanted to be friends with him.
Anyway, people are asking for my number. Well someone is. If it's Male Model, I'm dying on my seat! Eeeek!
I don't mind really, whoever he is.
Yadayadayada.
Funny though, I've got lots of secrets... There's J, L's Exie, Male Model.... and all the other juicy stuff.
Anyway, people are asking for my number. Well someone is. If it's Male Model, I'm dying on my seat! Eeeek!
I don't mind really, whoever he is.
Yadayadayada.
Funny though, I've got lots of secrets... There's J, L's Exie, Male Model.... and all the other juicy stuff.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Life is a long Day.
An acqauintance told me:
"It is better not to mind the thing that depresses you,
because it only makes you weak inside and out.
There are lot of things you can give your time to,
don't get stuck with the thing that ruins your day.
Be happy."
It's just like one of my philosophy about each day. When something unlucky happens to you in your day, you should not drag it around with you, otherwise, it will drag you down along with it.
On the otherhand, when something good happens to you, it's fine to bring the memory of it with you around. It uplifts you, so it must be good for you.
Just a good thought to keep me pushing through with life.
My lucky charm is my belief in God. The stronger it is, the luckier I will be. He has given me all I dreamt of. I live a charmed life. I am luckier than a lot of people, but thinking about it, we are all lucky anyhows. The luckiest, however, are those who make the most of what they have and cherish it with their hearts.
Life is just a long day.
"It is better not to mind the thing that depresses you,
because it only makes you weak inside and out.
There are lot of things you can give your time to,
don't get stuck with the thing that ruins your day.
Be happy."
It's just like one of my philosophy about each day. When something unlucky happens to you in your day, you should not drag it around with you, otherwise, it will drag you down along with it.
On the otherhand, when something good happens to you, it's fine to bring the memory of it with you around. It uplifts you, so it must be good for you.
Just a good thought to keep me pushing through with life.
My lucky charm is my belief in God. The stronger it is, the luckier I will be. He has given me all I dreamt of. I live a charmed life. I am luckier than a lot of people, but thinking about it, we are all lucky anyhows. The luckiest, however, are those who make the most of what they have and cherish it with their hearts.
Life is just a long day.
Dear NL, I'm scared.
Dear NL,
Hi. Whoever you are. Wherever you are.
I'm sorry if I'm being like this. I'm sorry for my misbehaviour when it comes to matters of J. It's slutty, it's whore-y, it's cheap and I have to take care of myself for you.
But where are you anyway?
Will I even be able to let you read this?
I don't mind that you're not here yet. Just do get here one day. And give me a wonderful life. Treat me good. Make me fall in love. Love me completely.
I'm not even supposed to think of this right now.
I'm stressing myself out because of this.
It's called marriage.
I'm too young to think about it, but I do think about it. And I'm worried. And scared.
Truly yours, please save me,
M.
Hi. Whoever you are. Wherever you are.
I'm sorry if I'm being like this. I'm sorry for my misbehaviour when it comes to matters of J. It's slutty, it's whore-y, it's cheap and I have to take care of myself for you.
But where are you anyway?
Will I even be able to let you read this?
I don't mind that you're not here yet. Just do get here one day. And give me a wonderful life. Treat me good. Make me fall in love. Love me completely.
I'm not even supposed to think of this right now.
I'm stressing myself out because of this.
It's called marriage.
I'm too young to think about it, but I do think about it. And I'm worried. And scared.
Truly yours, please save me,
M.
Dear J,
You are the biggest asshole I've met all my life. Possibly the worst I'll ever get to meet. If you have to know (which you don't) the only reason I'm still entertaining you is because no one else has come around. Which sucks, since true love won't be around until I've no idea. 23? 25? 28?
Sloppily yours,
M.
...
Dear M,
Stop looking for a boyfriend.
Spend your college life being friends with everyone. Girls and boys alike.
You are more entertaining and charming when you're friendly and not trying to attract. Besides, you're pretty and sexy just the way you are. You just need to lessen the effort. Discretion is key.
Lovingly yours,
M.
You are the biggest asshole I've met all my life. Possibly the worst I'll ever get to meet. If you have to know (which you don't) the only reason I'm still entertaining you is because no one else has come around. Which sucks, since true love won't be around until I've no idea. 23? 25? 28?
Sloppily yours,
M.
...
Dear M,
Stop looking for a boyfriend.
Spend your college life being friends with everyone. Girls and boys alike.
You are more entertaining and charming when you're friendly and not trying to attract. Besides, you're pretty and sexy just the way you are. You just need to lessen the effort. Discretion is key.
Lovingly yours,
M.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Crush
I'm leaving the original blog for a while. Not because I don't love her anymore and because I love you. Fuck. Why does this have to sound so much like infidelity?
...
Conversation between me and L
M: I'm going out with J. Yup. Despite the fact that he doesn't treat me well.
L: I don't like it.
M: But I like him. And maybe I need this.
L: M, Male Model has a crush on you. The Male Model has a crush on you.
M: I know.
L: There are a lot guys there who have crushes on you. Why are you settling for that asshole?
M: I know. (Sad face)
L: And if the rest of the M-Crushing population finds out, they'll get turned off.
It's true. There are guys who have crushes on me. Hello, ego!
But still, no one's actually pursuing me. There are lot's of prospects out there. And I know I just have to wait. But sometimes, I just wish I can take the matter in my own hands.
So maybe I am pretty. I mean, let's just saaay that I am. It's not enough. I have to converse properly and colorfully. I have to be fucking charming!
I'm loveable and I know it. J made me doubt my charm. N isnt helping much either. There are always people who pull you down. It makes me think that they are insecure of what I have. I felt this with B, the boy bestfriend, before, but I don't think that had anything to do with insecurity back then. Now I love B with all my heart.
(K, the friend, is so making me uncomfy. :( Shit. )
...
Conversation between me and L
M: I'm going out with J. Yup. Despite the fact that he doesn't treat me well.
L: I don't like it.
M: But I like him. And maybe I need this.
L: M, Male Model has a crush on you. The Male Model has a crush on you.
M: I know.
L: There are a lot guys there who have crushes on you. Why are you settling for that asshole?
M: I know. (Sad face)
L: And if the rest of the M-Crushing population finds out, they'll get turned off.
It's true. There are guys who have crushes on me. Hello, ego!
But still, no one's actually pursuing me. There are lot's of prospects out there. And I know I just have to wait. But sometimes, I just wish I can take the matter in my own hands.
So maybe I am pretty. I mean, let's just saaay that I am. It's not enough. I have to converse properly and colorfully. I have to be fucking charming!
I'm loveable and I know it. J made me doubt my charm. N isnt helping much either. There are always people who pull you down. It makes me think that they are insecure of what I have. I felt this with B, the boy bestfriend, before, but I don't think that had anything to do with insecurity back then. Now I love B with all my heart.
(K, the friend, is so making me uncomfy. :( Shit. )
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Lots
As many gossip I want to reveal. I can't write.
Once upon a time conversation between me and J:
J: Darls I have to tell you something
M: ...
J: Don't fall in love with me
M: WTF? (Deep inside: Thanks for reminding me.) How dare you...
J: Wrong selection of words. I mean, let's not fall in love with each other.
M: Okay.
J: I mean it.
M: I won't.
J: Say it to me.
M: I won't fall in love with you.
And I won't. Ever. It sucks because everything's just so stupid. You know you can pretty much get your way. You just have to be nice. Whatever.
If we have forgotten, you have a girl friend. And I'm being a slut. And I can't let the Male Model who has a (tiny) crush on me know.
If we get caught, we're history.
...
Dear N,
What do I do that hurt you? Is it joking around that I like Him? Because, believe me, I don't.
I never hurt you on purpose.
But you hurt me because you want to revenge.
I NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.
I do everything in my power to give you the best. And you know that. I love you that much! How dare you.
Now, I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm thinking of moving away, but I hate the difficulties. I don't want to pull a Ke.
Hurt and confused, but don't want to worry about it,
M.
...
Dear K.
You fucking asshole.
Foul.
Don't you ever make that joke again.
Offensive.
Angrily yet calmly,
M.
...
Dear Male Model,
Thank you for finding me pretty.
I'm not expecting for you to really have a crush on me. And it wouldn't matter.
And it's soooo loserish of me to consider this an achievement. But it is! It really is!
I am pretty.
After ?? years, I am finally pretty.
Prettily yours (if you'll have me perhaps),
M.
...
Dear Ji,
I love you. :*
Sincerely yours,
M
...
Dear everyone.
You saved me.
-Yours truly, M
Once upon a time conversation between me and J:
J: Darls I have to tell you something
M: ...
J: Don't fall in love with me
M: WTF? (Deep inside: Thanks for reminding me.) How dare you...
J: Wrong selection of words. I mean, let's not fall in love with each other.
M: Okay.
J: I mean it.
M: I won't.
J: Say it to me.
M: I won't fall in love with you.
And I won't. Ever. It sucks because everything's just so stupid. You know you can pretty much get your way. You just have to be nice. Whatever.
If we have forgotten, you have a girl friend. And I'm being a slut. And I can't let the Male Model who has a (tiny) crush on me know.
If we get caught, we're history.
...
Dear N,
What do I do that hurt you? Is it joking around that I like Him? Because, believe me, I don't.
I never hurt you on purpose.
But you hurt me because you want to revenge.
I NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.
I do everything in my power to give you the best. And you know that. I love you that much! How dare you.
Now, I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm thinking of moving away, but I hate the difficulties. I don't want to pull a Ke.
Hurt and confused, but don't want to worry about it,
M.
...
Dear K.
You fucking asshole.
Foul.
Don't you ever make that joke again.
Offensive.
Angrily yet calmly,
M.
...
Dear Male Model,
Thank you for finding me pretty.
I'm not expecting for you to really have a crush on me. And it wouldn't matter.
And it's soooo loserish of me to consider this an achievement. But it is! It really is!
I am pretty.
After ?? years, I am finally pretty.
Prettily yours (if you'll have me perhaps),
M.
...
Dear Ji,
I love you. :*
Sincerely yours,
M
...
Dear everyone.
You saved me.
-Yours truly, M
Sunday, August 3, 2008
More than rumors
It's been rumored that one of the hottest guys in my building has an itsy bitsy crush on me.
OH MY GOOOODD!!!
Ok, fine. It's not a rumor. Ji (a friend) TOLD ME!
I know it doesnt matter, and he'll remain anonoymous for a long time until I accidentally figure out who he is. Ooooh. Juicy.
Im telling N my feeling later.
J and yours truly are watching a movie. I don't know when, what, and how... but yeah. We will. The guy's fucking suave.
OH MY GOOOODD!!!
Ok, fine. It's not a rumor. Ji (a friend) TOLD ME!
I know it doesnt matter, and he'll remain anonoymous for a long time until I accidentally figure out who he is. Ooooh. Juicy.
Im telling N my feeling later.
J and yours truly are watching a movie. I don't know when, what, and how... but yeah. We will. The guy's fucking suave.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Hurt
Dear N,
We've tried. Didn't we?
Or I tried.
I just don't like being around people who don't believe in me.
And you're so not one of them.
You push me lower all the time.
I love you, I do.
But you're just not so healthy sometimes.
-M
We've tried. Didn't we?
Or I tried.
I just don't like being around people who don't believe in me.
And you're so not one of them.
You push me lower all the time.
I love you, I do.
But you're just not so healthy sometimes.
-M
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Confession
I am having a very good time practicing my re-discovered writing skills. Yup. I lost it for awhile. Maybe when you know that you're not writing for yourself, this is what happens.
In my real blog, I wasnt writing from the heart. I was writing to please people. To make them believe I've got it going.
I mean, I know in myself, that I've got it going. I'm supposed to not need anyone to confirm it for me.
Our topic for today: What you discuss more about is your priority.
In my case. "Boys".
My friendship with L is found mainly on the subject previosuly indicated. Yup. Boys. Cute boys. Cute boys of all color, sizes, and ages... but more preferably cute boys aging 16-25, average to tall, skinny to buff, and dateable.
This "addiction" to boys is very unattractive. But well, what can I do? I'm hooked.
K, a friend, says that the first step to healing (any form of healing) is awareness.
The thing about this blog is, I can discuss the stuff I'm often scared of admitting to myself. More on that on the next entries.. but first things first.
I think about boys 24/7. It's rather exhausting. Totally not refreshing. One of the reasons I'm hanging on to Philosophy these days is because it's such a great change from my usual thoughts.
I. Am. Crazy.
There is no other way to put it.
I just want to get this over with. But sadly, this addiction has been 18 years in the making. So it's kinda difficult to just end it.
AND ironically, the reason I want to remove boycrazyness from my system is because boys dont find boy crazyness attractive.
Dare I say it again?
I. Am. Crazy.
In my real blog, I wasnt writing from the heart. I was writing to please people. To make them believe I've got it going.
I mean, I know in myself, that I've got it going. I'm supposed to not need anyone to confirm it for me.
Our topic for today: What you discuss more about is your priority.
In my case. "Boys".
My friendship with L is found mainly on the subject previosuly indicated. Yup. Boys. Cute boys. Cute boys of all color, sizes, and ages... but more preferably cute boys aging 16-25, average to tall, skinny to buff, and dateable.
This "addiction" to boys is very unattractive. But well, what can I do? I'm hooked.
K, a friend, says that the first step to healing (any form of healing) is awareness.
The thing about this blog is, I can discuss the stuff I'm often scared of admitting to myself. More on that on the next entries.. but first things first.
I think about boys 24/7. It's rather exhausting. Totally not refreshing. One of the reasons I'm hanging on to Philosophy these days is because it's such a great change from my usual thoughts.
I. Am. Crazy.
There is no other way to put it.
I just want to get this over with. But sadly, this addiction has been 18 years in the making. So it's kinda difficult to just end it.
AND ironically, the reason I want to remove boycrazyness from my system is because boys dont find boy crazyness attractive.
Dare I say it again?
I. Am. Crazy.
Less on
I plan on writing less about "boys" and "dating" in this blog. I mean, it's gonna make it so much boring, because romance, or perhaps the road to romance, is just a really juicy topic. So much more juicy than, say Philosophy. And life.
Sex just sells.
But, wtf. This is my blog. No one even reads it. So I can write whatever I want.
Sex just sells.
But, wtf. This is my blog. No one even reads it. So I can write whatever I want.
gossip
J is making me go to his condo unit for the morning.
Going to his condo means making out.
I'm 18 years old, I'm turning 19 on September, I've been boyfriend-less for 6 months. My sexual needs are totally unquenched for, say, 4 months. More than a hundred days. Its not a big deal, I know, especially when I write it in this light.
Going to his condo and making out and "more" (whatever that means) is no big deal.
I mean, well, if you're a cool person, it's not a big deal. But I'm not that cool! If cool means making out (again) with a manwhore who's in a two-year relationship, then forget it.
And by the way, very unfortunately, I was raised in a Catholic family, and anything of the sort is just plain wrong.
I'm cool in a different light. The fuck. Why do I have to be cool in the first place?
Anyway, so much for my social-slash-sexual-slash-flingish endeavors.
Going to his condo means making out.
I'm 18 years old, I'm turning 19 on September, I've been boyfriend-less for 6 months. My sexual needs are totally unquenched for, say, 4 months. More than a hundred days. Its not a big deal, I know, especially when I write it in this light.
Going to his condo and making out and "more" (whatever that means) is no big deal.
I mean, well, if you're a cool person, it's not a big deal. But I'm not that cool! If cool means making out (again) with a manwhore who's in a two-year relationship, then forget it.
And by the way, very unfortunately, I was raised in a Catholic family, and anything of the sort is just plain wrong.
I'm cool in a different light. The fuck. Why do I have to be cool in the first place?
Anyway, so much for my social-slash-sexual-slash-flingish endeavors.
Train of thoughts
I have a notebook filled with lifelessons. Filled with quotes, bits of knowledge, etc.
I'm thinking of something to discuss right now.
Let's see. How about the little things I want to be?
I want to be normal
All my life, I never felt completely normal. I felt crazy and uptight and not enough. I thought being normal means going to parties, which isn't really how life goes... Getting lots of guys while you're single, which isn't how life goes.... Bathing in all the luxuries you can afford, which isn't how life goes.
Maybe I'm blinded with perfection. Blinded with a false imagery of perfection brought by the media. False advertising.
I was infatuated with luxury. But when you think about it, life is actually great just the way it is. I don't need to cam-whore to show the world how happy I am.
I want to be a Philosophy freak
The thing about Philosophy is that it's universal. I'm reading "Sophie's World" by Jostein Gaarder right now. And so far, I've learned about the three major Philosophers of their times... Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle.
I know I'll bore you with the nerdy knowledge im about to impart, but well, I love Socrates the best.
Socrates is goddamn ugly. He spent his life asking questions. He was said to be the wisest man alive and he died for his principles. Plato was the good looking student. Aristotle was Plato's student and gawd.. was he mean or what.
The thing about Aristotle though is, he believed that happiness and harmony can be achieved through moderation and balance. Spending too much is flamboyant, spending too little is miserly. Spending just enough is enough.
More on the stupid Philosphy shit soon.
More on me. It's just that, I've devoted my life to learning. I've known this since I learned to read. I love to learn. I want to learn about life. I dont know how to organize my train of thoughts and aquired wisdom... but maybe that's my goal in my attempts at writing.
Either way, a Philosophical outlook on life would be great. Why? Because you let your brain do the thinking and not your emotions. As we all know, emotions are completely unstable.
It's almost taboo!
I want to be happy.
Don't we all? The thing is, I've got a great shot of being happy. I had a boring childhood. Not a bad one... people with bad childhood grows up miserly. A great childhood's ok. But a boring one's better. Because you grow better than before. I was bullied back then, you know. And now I'm appreciating life bully free.
(OMG. Lookie! I'm optimistic!)
I want to stop pleasing everyone.
Not literally PLEASING everyone, like being nice and shit. I've no problem with kindness. I have a balanced amount of good and evil in my body, that I'm barely worrying about too much kindness and too much meanness.
Maybe it's got to do with morals. Maybe. But I know it's got to do with the social hierarchy I'm "on top" of.
I have a great reputation. I'm the girl they envy. (Why hello ego!)
I don't know what to do with this yet. If you do, please tell me.
I'm thinking of something to discuss right now.
Let's see. How about the little things I want to be?
I want to be normal
All my life, I never felt completely normal. I felt crazy and uptight and not enough. I thought being normal means going to parties, which isn't really how life goes... Getting lots of guys while you're single, which isn't how life goes.... Bathing in all the luxuries you can afford, which isn't how life goes.
Maybe I'm blinded with perfection. Blinded with a false imagery of perfection brought by the media. False advertising.
I was infatuated with luxury. But when you think about it, life is actually great just the way it is. I don't need to cam-whore to show the world how happy I am.
I want to be a Philosophy freak
The thing about Philosophy is that it's universal. I'm reading "Sophie's World" by Jostein Gaarder right now. And so far, I've learned about the three major Philosophers of their times... Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle.
I know I'll bore you with the nerdy knowledge im about to impart, but well, I love Socrates the best.
Socrates is goddamn ugly. He spent his life asking questions. He was said to be the wisest man alive and he died for his principles. Plato was the good looking student. Aristotle was Plato's student and gawd.. was he mean or what.
The thing about Aristotle though is, he believed that happiness and harmony can be achieved through moderation and balance. Spending too much is flamboyant, spending too little is miserly. Spending just enough is enough.
More on the stupid Philosphy shit soon.
More on me. It's just that, I've devoted my life to learning. I've known this since I learned to read. I love to learn. I want to learn about life. I dont know how to organize my train of thoughts and aquired wisdom... but maybe that's my goal in my attempts at writing.
Either way, a Philosophical outlook on life would be great. Why? Because you let your brain do the thinking and not your emotions. As we all know, emotions are completely unstable.
It's almost taboo!
I want to be happy.
Don't we all? The thing is, I've got a great shot of being happy. I had a boring childhood. Not a bad one... people with bad childhood grows up miserly. A great childhood's ok. But a boring one's better. Because you grow better than before. I was bullied back then, you know. And now I'm appreciating life bully free.
(OMG. Lookie! I'm optimistic!)
I want to stop pleasing everyone.
Not literally PLEASING everyone, like being nice and shit. I've no problem with kindness. I have a balanced amount of good and evil in my body, that I'm barely worrying about too much kindness and too much meanness.
Maybe it's got to do with morals. Maybe. But I know it's got to do with the social hierarchy I'm "on top" of.
I have a great reputation. I'm the girl they envy. (Why hello ego!)
I don't know what to do with this yet. If you do, please tell me.
To J
Dear J,
You're forcing me again.
As much as I miss your kiss (or most kiss in particular), I don't think I'm going tomorrow.
Why? Because you dont treat me well enough. And I don't know what you can do to me and what you can "make" me do.
Despite this, you must know that I look up to you somehow. For being innovative and passionate. For being resourceful. For being all around. For being charming somehow.
But we have different realities, us both. We live completely different lives.
And I'm not doing anything with you because I don't love you. I don't even like you anymore. And to think that I had "feelings" for you back then.
Oh J. It was wrong to begin with. I wish you all the lovelyness in the world. I just wish we both clear up. :)
Rejectingly Yours,
M.
You're forcing me again.
As much as I miss your kiss (or most kiss in particular), I don't think I'm going tomorrow.
Why? Because you dont treat me well enough. And I don't know what you can do to me and what you can "make" me do.
Despite this, you must know that I look up to you somehow. For being innovative and passionate. For being resourceful. For being all around. For being charming somehow.
But we have different realities, us both. We live completely different lives.
And I'm not doing anything with you because I don't love you. I don't even like you anymore. And to think that I had "feelings" for you back then.
Oh J. It was wrong to begin with. I wish you all the lovelyness in the world. I just wish we both clear up. :)
Rejectingly Yours,
M.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
NL = Next Lover
Dear NL,
(Or possible just L now, because you are reading this blog.)
*NL stands for Next Lover, and L obviously stands for Lover. (Duh, duh, duh.)
...again.
Dear NL or Lover (Whichever. I'll figure out soon.) ,
You are the only mortal being who reads my blog under my consent. Why?
Because I love you. And I don't want to ever break up with you. And less imporantly but more in relative with this activity, because I want to be entirely honest with you.
You may be reading this 6 months after we get together, a day before we officially become a couple, the day I confess my love to you, the hour after our 4th kiss.... The possibilities are endless that it makes me smile. Whatever, right?
I'm waiting for you, even if I shouldn't.
Whatever kind of person you are, only two things matter to me. That you love me, and that I love you. I'm not much of a romantic, see... but that just matters to me. The admiration and shit.
Since I don't know you yet, it's safe to say that I love you. I just do, okay. I love you.
Please take care of me, because I'm a great girl and YOU'LL EFFING NEVER FIND ANYONE OF THE SAME QUALITY.
M doesn't cheat. She's pretty, smart, rich, poised, confident to boot, cute, sweet, kind, charming, loveable, lovely, sexy... and she loves you very much. And she doesnt cheat.
In my opinion, M is perfect despite the fact that she's short (which is charming in it's own way) and that she's got the ego the size of your family. She's properly demanding and will give you enough space.
She's perfect. And you can be perfect for her just by loving her and keeping her company. (She's a sucker for company!)
She loves you, she really does. And she lives for loving you.
Lovingly and futruristically yours,
M.
(Or possible just L now, because you are reading this blog.)
*NL stands for Next Lover, and L obviously stands for Lover. (Duh, duh, duh.)
...again.
Dear NL or Lover (Whichever. I'll figure out soon.) ,
You are the only mortal being who reads my blog under my consent. Why?
Because I love you. And I don't want to ever break up with you. And less imporantly but more in relative with this activity, because I want to be entirely honest with you.
You may be reading this 6 months after we get together, a day before we officially become a couple, the day I confess my love to you, the hour after our 4th kiss.... The possibilities are endless that it makes me smile. Whatever, right?
I'm waiting for you, even if I shouldn't.
Whatever kind of person you are, only two things matter to me. That you love me, and that I love you. I'm not much of a romantic, see... but that just matters to me. The admiration and shit.
Since I don't know you yet, it's safe to say that I love you. I just do, okay. I love you.
Please take care of me, because I'm a great girl and YOU'LL EFFING NEVER FIND ANYONE OF THE SAME QUALITY.
M doesn't cheat. She's pretty, smart, rich, poised, confident to boot, cute, sweet, kind, charming, loveable, lovely, sexy... and she loves you very much. And she doesnt cheat.
In my opinion, M is perfect despite the fact that she's short (which is charming in it's own way) and that she's got the ego the size of your family. She's properly demanding and will give you enough space.
She's perfect. And you can be perfect for her just by loving her and keeping her company. (She's a sucker for company!)
She loves you, she really does. And she lives for loving you.
Lovingly and futruristically yours,
M.
Characters
B is the best guyfriend.
The only reason that he is because I am totally comfy around him. And because he is The Backup plan. Always. When I dont have anything to do, he is the last resort.
He is not pretty.
P is the ultimate and girl bestfriend.
We've been bestfriends for 8 years. Sometimes we dont talk for 6 months, and when we go back to talking it's almost as if it was just yesterday.
She's the ultimate bestfriend for the ff reasons:
1. We grew up together. At the same pace, too. We discovered the joys of shopping, and boy-ing together.
2. We have the same general interests.
3. She's pretty and hot. (As we all know, I have pretty friends.)
4. My family loves her already. She's been a part of the family since forever.
5. We think highly of each other. (This is crucial in every relationship, you know.)
6. I love her. :)
7. She knows what I like and I know what she likes
8. We will go to the beach together this break.
9. We've always been there for each other no matter what. :)
The only reason that he is because I am totally comfy around him. And because he is The Backup plan. Always. When I dont have anything to do, he is the last resort.
He is not pretty.
P is the ultimate and girl bestfriend.
We've been bestfriends for 8 years. Sometimes we dont talk for 6 months, and when we go back to talking it's almost as if it was just yesterday.
She's the ultimate bestfriend for the ff reasons:
1. We grew up together. At the same pace, too. We discovered the joys of shopping, and boy-ing together.
2. We have the same general interests.
3. She's pretty and hot. (As we all know, I have pretty friends.)
4. My family loves her already. She's been a part of the family since forever.
5. We think highly of each other. (This is crucial in every relationship, you know.)
6. I love her. :)
7. She knows what I like and I know what she likes
8. We will go to the beach together this break.
9. We've always been there for each other no matter what. :)
The Core
Let me give you a brief account of the characters you will most likely be encountering (repeatedly) (over and over again).
There's The Core. With a capital 'T' and 'C'. We've been friends since day1 and we might as well as be friends forever. It just feels meant to be. Almost very effortless.
(We've been the Mean Girls for so long, which is very lame, until J called us The Core. We have other girl friends, but there's this air of excluvity within the four of us. And the coined name The Core is a little bit less lamer than Mean Girls, so I'm using it.)
First of all there's L.
Physically, L has long hair, weighs 100 pounds, and is the Sex of the group. No, she is not a slut. She's just a very sexy human being. She's known for that actually. Sexiness.
L is my soul sister. Seriously speaking, if I were a guy, I'd fall in love with her. Insert malice here, but what the heck, right?
L and I think the same. It's like we have the same mind. And I admire her for so many things. How she respects people around her, her poise, and her optimism on life. It's difficult for someone who's gone through enough to still have the positive outlook she has.
Or maybe, life is just being really dandy on her these days.
L's boyfriend is in America. More on that in the upcoming entries, I guess.
Then, there's T. I don't think I'm very much close with T as much as I am with N and L. T is pretty. Very.
She's the light of the group. She keeps us popular. Which, as we all know, does not matter anymore. Maybe on the first few years of college, it did. But right now, we're all growing up so much, that popularity just isnt a priority.
I like talking to T. Everything's light. If I were to describe her in one word, I'd say "Sunshine".
T's been single for a year and a half now. I dont think she minds because, well, boys swarm over her like flies... and when boys swarm over you like that, you just dont want to date much of them. And I don't think the right one's come around yet.
Then, there's the controversial N. N is my partner in crime. We attend the same parties. We have the same work ethics. We grew up in a different crowd who acts the same.
I don't like N very much these days. I love her to hell, I do. And I'd hurt her if she ever reads this. But I think she knows it anyway. Despite the clashing, we continue being friends because it just works for us. We take care of each other.
I hate seeing her hurt.
N finds me immature. I find her that way, too. And I hate this about us. Sometimes back then, our friendship suffered a silent competition. Then this great awkward distance. I'm fine with distance. But awkward is shit.
I don't want to write about N in this light, but I just know that right now, there's a drift in our hearts. We're just not getting along.
More on N?
N has been going after the same guy for 2 years now. It's a hurtful and totally unhealthy process, but well, that's love. Not that my love life is healthy, so I can't reprimand her on that.
What I love about her? She's sweet and strong at the same time. I think I'll write more abou her some day else.
There's The Core. With a capital 'T' and 'C'. We've been friends since day1 and we might as well as be friends forever. It just feels meant to be. Almost very effortless.
(We've been the Mean Girls for so long, which is very lame, until J called us The Core. We have other girl friends, but there's this air of excluvity within the four of us. And the coined name The Core is a little bit less lamer than Mean Girls, so I'm using it.)
First of all there's L.
Physically, L has long hair, weighs 100 pounds, and is the Sex of the group. No, she is not a slut. She's just a very sexy human being. She's known for that actually. Sexiness.
L is my soul sister. Seriously speaking, if I were a guy, I'd fall in love with her. Insert malice here, but what the heck, right?
L and I think the same. It's like we have the same mind. And I admire her for so many things. How she respects people around her, her poise, and her optimism on life. It's difficult for someone who's gone through enough to still have the positive outlook she has.
Or maybe, life is just being really dandy on her these days.
L's boyfriend is in America. More on that in the upcoming entries, I guess.
Then, there's T. I don't think I'm very much close with T as much as I am with N and L. T is pretty. Very.
She's the light of the group. She keeps us popular. Which, as we all know, does not matter anymore. Maybe on the first few years of college, it did. But right now, we're all growing up so much, that popularity just isnt a priority.
I like talking to T. Everything's light. If I were to describe her in one word, I'd say "Sunshine".
T's been single for a year and a half now. I dont think she minds because, well, boys swarm over her like flies... and when boys swarm over you like that, you just dont want to date much of them. And I don't think the right one's come around yet.
Then, there's the controversial N. N is my partner in crime. We attend the same parties. We have the same work ethics. We grew up in a different crowd who acts the same.
I don't like N very much these days. I love her to hell, I do. And I'd hurt her if she ever reads this. But I think she knows it anyway. Despite the clashing, we continue being friends because it just works for us. We take care of each other.
I hate seeing her hurt.
N finds me immature. I find her that way, too. And I hate this about us. Sometimes back then, our friendship suffered a silent competition. Then this great awkward distance. I'm fine with distance. But awkward is shit.
I don't want to write about N in this light, but I just know that right now, there's a drift in our hearts. We're just not getting along.
More on N?
N has been going after the same guy for 2 years now. It's a hurtful and totally unhealthy process, but well, that's love. Not that my love life is healthy, so I can't reprimand her on that.
What I love about her? She's sweet and strong at the same time. I think I'll write more abou her some day else.
Boys and friendship
I will be turning 19 this September, and I've got to confess that I've never learned to actually just be friend with boys until just recently.
I had my first actual boy bud when I was 18! How the fucking awkward and stupid is that?
I mean, I had guy friends, yeah... but I was never really comfortable around them much.
Boys have always been enigmatic to me. Mysterious. Complicated. And most of all, they are different from us girls by lightyears.
They are the others.
Any contact with the boys back then always had "malice". Even just brushing shoulders or legs together made me feel "too close". Everyone had potential for me to fall in love with. Seriously. Everyone!
Well, what do you expect? I was a complete loser in my gradeschool days. My interaction with the other sex was limited in highschool (me=catholic all-girl's school HS graduate). My first two years in college was spent in restriction from being too friendly with guys lest X gets jealous. That pretty much sums up my reasons for finding the alternate gender still mysterious. And I've only got two more years to build up wonderful friendship with the boys at school.
And that's something I dont think I'd ever be able to actually confess in my real blog, lest turning me into a loser. I mean, I know everyone expects me to know boys well... I look likethe type who does, see. And there goes the road of public deception.
I had my first actual boy bud when I was 18! How the fucking awkward and stupid is that?
I mean, I had guy friends, yeah... but I was never really comfortable around them much.
Boys have always been enigmatic to me. Mysterious. Complicated. And most of all, they are different from us girls by lightyears.
They are the others.
Any contact with the boys back then always had "malice". Even just brushing shoulders or legs together made me feel "too close". Everyone had potential for me to fall in love with. Seriously. Everyone!
Well, what do you expect? I was a complete loser in my gradeschool days. My interaction with the other sex was limited in highschool (me=catholic all-girl's school HS graduate). My first two years in college was spent in restriction from being too friendly with guys lest X gets jealous. That pretty much sums up my reasons for finding the alternate gender still mysterious. And I've only got two more years to build up wonderful friendship with the boys at school.
And that's something I dont think I'd ever be able to actually confess in my real blog, lest turning me into a loser. I mean, I know everyone expects me to know boys well... I look likethe type who does, see. And there goes the road of public deception.
Philosophy
If only we all view the world through philosophical paradigm, hurt would be less, and we would be thinking universally.
It's pretty tough because the world is huge. With all the (fucking) emotions going around, there is no time to reflect. And reflection can be pretty tiring.
The Core (M (me), L, N, and T) find "being yourself" the most useful, difficult, complicated, confusing, and unapplicable words of wisdom ever said when it comes to impressing people. I mean, you have to "find yourself" to "be yourself". And finding yourself can be pretty depressing sometimes.
It's refreshing to write about philosophy. It's something useful to write about that has nothing to do with art and emotions. Emotions are unstable. So is truth. Filling your head with quests of wisdom may probably be healthier (or perhaps just less destructive) than letting emotions fill the head.
Whatever. I know.
This is probably bull.
Spiritual grace. And emotional power.
It's pretty tough because the world is huge. With all the (fucking) emotions going around, there is no time to reflect. And reflection can be pretty tiring.
The Core (M (me), L, N, and T) find "being yourself" the most useful, difficult, complicated, confusing, and unapplicable words of wisdom ever said when it comes to impressing people. I mean, you have to "find yourself" to "be yourself". And finding yourself can be pretty depressing sometimes.
It's refreshing to write about philosophy. It's something useful to write about that has nothing to do with art and emotions. Emotions are unstable. So is truth. Filling your head with quests of wisdom may probably be healthier (or perhaps just less destructive) than letting emotions fill the head.
Whatever. I know.
This is probably bull.
Spiritual grace. And emotional power.
Something to kick the blog open
Dear J,
I miss your tounge.
And your tounge ring.
I could be your girlfriend if you weren't such a jerk. I have no treshhold for jerkiness, see... and you'd just make my life miserable.
I'm sorry if I wont do horny stuff with you.
I know I shouldn't even be thinking about you because I'm just one of the girls you seduce with sweet words (complete with timing and practice) and your cooldom.
Despite that, because I have no one right now, I still think of you from time to time.
You WERE the confidential darling. The ironic angel. The could've been bestfriend.
But you just think too highly of yourself. That's a bit of a good thing, see. But we can't both think highly of ourselves. We are too alike.
Still, of all the Js around. You are the J of my college life.
Lucky you.
Truly sexily yours,
Darls
I miss your tounge.
And your tounge ring.
I could be your girlfriend if you weren't such a jerk. I have no treshhold for jerkiness, see... and you'd just make my life miserable.
I'm sorry if I wont do horny stuff with you.
I know I shouldn't even be thinking about you because I'm just one of the girls you seduce with sweet words (complete with timing and practice) and your cooldom.
Despite that, because I have no one right now, I still think of you from time to time.
You WERE the confidential darling. The ironic angel. The could've been bestfriend.
But you just think too highly of yourself. That's a bit of a good thing, see. But we can't both think highly of ourselves. We are too alike.
Still, of all the Js around. You are the J of my college life.
Lucky you.
Truly sexily yours,
Darls
Hey, you.
Hey. I hope to hell you dont know me personally because you can very much ruin my life if you do. I'm risking all this for the ff reasons:
1. Boredom
2. I like to write
3. I want to write my life the way I would a book.
Hmm. Let's see, what do I want to tell you.
There is no way that this blog is healthy for you.
Advanced apologies because I tend to be a very egoistic bitch who thinks she's everything despite the fact that, well, she is not.
I truly hope you enjoy all the trivial yet tasteful complaints, sentiments and misfits of yours truly. You are a blessing to me.
You are free to comment on the entries. Please, my goodness, don't argue with me. I like healthy arguments, but the bashing is plain stressful.
Add me up YM i.nonfiction@yahoo.com if you want to talk. I love the audience, see, if I ever get one.
1. Boredom
2. I like to write
3. I want to write my life the way I would a book.
Hmm. Let's see, what do I want to tell you.
There is no way that this blog is healthy for you.
Advanced apologies because I tend to be a very egoistic bitch who thinks she's everything despite the fact that, well, she is not.
I truly hope you enjoy all the trivial yet tasteful complaints, sentiments and misfits of yours truly. You are a blessing to me.
You are free to comment on the entries. Please, my goodness, don't argue with me. I like healthy arguments, but the bashing is plain stressful.
Add me up YM i.nonfiction@yahoo.com if you want to talk. I love the audience, see, if I ever get one.
Anonymous
Wow. First entry.
Hi, I'm M.
The world is a very big place, but when you enclose your location, everything becomes way smaller. It's an inevitable web of people who know each other via friend-of-friend.
I aim to write my (typical) life non-fictously, without any form of fabrication but with proper discretion and poetic form.
Common questions?
I am 18 years old, I'm in college, and if you read this blog and you knew me personally, it wouldn't be very hard to guess.
What the blog is about?
It's about the things I'm afraid to say out loud. The typical things that no one bothers to listen to. And the juicy secrets that not everyone's supposed to know.
The rule?
Anonymity. Honesty.
The audience?
You.
Hi, I'm M.
The world is a very big place, but when you enclose your location, everything becomes way smaller. It's an inevitable web of people who know each other via friend-of-friend.
I aim to write my (typical) life non-fictously, without any form of fabrication but with proper discretion and poetic form.
Common questions?
I am 18 years old, I'm in college, and if you read this blog and you knew me personally, it wouldn't be very hard to guess.
What the blog is about?
It's about the things I'm afraid to say out loud. The typical things that no one bothers to listen to. And the juicy secrets that not everyone's supposed to know.
The rule?
Anonymity. Honesty.
The audience?
You.
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