Love and unlove

So he told me he still loves me. It's been 2 years. I dont want to think about it. It's too weird. And it's a bit too late. Everything that I loved about him, I can't appreciate anymore. I did this blog to stop thinking about him. Everything I did in this blog, I did to survive... and when I was on the brink of survival, you go say something like that.

Maybe it's actually better.

I'm actually really over everyone. New laptop, new life.

I'm so far from in love right now.

And, I'm still thinking about loving you. If I can. And I don't know if I can. It took me 1 and a half year to fall in love with you, 1 and a half year to be happy with you, and 1 and a half year to move on.

It took me forever to unlove you. And now that I've unloved, I can't see myself in love anymore. Maybe I'm numb already. Maybe I now have 'the gift' of not needing anyone in my life. (Impossible, I keep on looking at everyone around.)

After this whole journey, it turns out, you're still in love with me. With the intensity of that being in love, I don't know. I don't even feel it. I know it's true. I know that we're too big a part of each other's lives. Our souls were really entwined for a time, and its hard to unbind it.

I'm empty right now. Really. I'm not sad about it, I don't know. I can't imagine having to ask someone if I can go somewhere. I can't imagine hugging someone and being in love. I can't remember a good kiss. Maybe I just don't believe in it for the moment anymore.

And I'm still here, searching. Because, really, I don't think I'd like life very much without it.

Here we go again

Got my half year's worth of sexual fixation 10 mins ago. From a guy who's in love with me. I think.


I don't know what to do.



And I hate myself again.





N's bf says "I'll regret it" if I lose him. But, I won't. I very much won't.





I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS ALREADY. I HATE THIS GAME.

No one's in a hurry.

Hello nonfictional accounts.

Will I be deleting you soon?

All the records of flirtations, sluttinesses, whorishness, and heartache. Or maybe I'll just leave you alone and let you rot until someone finds you.

All the secrets and the wicked perceptions. All the poetry and rants.

....


1. I can't wait to leave my friends. 4 years down the drain. I just really hate being with people who sees me in such a bad shape. It's as if I were the queen of all evil.

Here's something stupid: Sometimes, when you go to people for comfort regarding your insecurities and you fail at it, you end up in a worse shape. I didn't even do it for comfort! I did it so to reach out, call it being humble if you may. And I get nothing but notes on my frankness. Thank you.


2. Will it get boring when we start working? Will it go downhill from there?

Who will be my friends? How many friends can you possibly find at a workspace? They'd all have their own college friends or highschool friends or gradeschool friends to lean on to. Do you have any healthy barkada?

Well atleast you have a family, which is a more stable set of people.

But still.

It's like not finding true love etc.

3. Why am I so dependent on boys? Why am I so ?obsesses? with getting a boyfriend? Why can't I be like other people who never bothered with the opposite sex?



Still, I really don't have anything to complain about. Life is good as it is. Steady. And no one's in a hurry. <3

Happy Note

For the past few weeks / available days, we go out like crazy. It's like we found the missing pieces we need to keep ourselves sane and uninlove.

Isn't it fabulous.

We watch movies together, drive, drink, go to exhibits, venture the unknown, indulge in sweet pleasures that others cant get the hang of.

He's the gay bestfriend.

I just hope I can keep this. :)

Poor boy

He doesnt even know it.
Baddeh baddeh bodeey.... Aharharhar. Yum. Hahahaha.

L

Argh. This we wont be very interesting if I dont stop myself.

Poor self. I just want to do him.

New Bestfriend

To the hot newly discovered bestfriend I will not fuck.

We wont because

a. We are wonderful this way, the possiblities are endless.
b. My reputation is ice thin
c. I don't want to deal with any of that anymore. Not for a long time
d. We are more interesting this way.


Thankyou. :x

Nothing to prove

I can finally enjoy the little things in life and not be judged. Staying in bed. Poetry. Fashion. Drinking with anyone.

No longer anyone important to me who thinks that I'm not enough. Nothing to prove.


It's so weird that I'm happier. Being myself.


Weird too, that yeah, I guess I do love you.


It's done, baby.



I don't know why tears aren't coming, I'm thinking that maybe it's because I don't love you as much as I have to. But whatever, this has got to be better.


I can't feel any bitterness. There's this pang of hurt, yes. But so far its tolerable. Maybe the break up is yet to sink in. It happens. But I KINDA don't think that there will be that month of hiatus then the intense heartache again.


I just can't believe all the investments. Having my friends meet you, loving you, introducing you to my parents (which is inevitable because well we got caught), my reputation, the friendships I lost.

It was love.


And I'm not ready to invest as much again next time. But what's the use of being in a relationship if you don't invest anyway.


I don't want to be in one. Not right now. Maybe he'll get the next girl very soon, and we don't know when the next one will pop out either...


I can still smell his hands.


The hurt is not coming from just loving him, its from losing him. Its from the shattered dreams... the futile investments, its from the failure.


I think I'll just go love myself. Cheesy. But I didn't do much of that months earlier.


I cant be in a relationship right now.



P.S. The only reason I stayed is because you love me. The whole relationship, sadly, was based on Your love and not mine. I'm sorry I don't know how to fight.

Stop doing things you know you'll regret then force yourself into thinking that you don't regret it. This would be (and is limited to) kissing guys, the whole lot of them.

Cheat.

My bestfriend just admitted having cheated with his girlfriend with my other best friend. WHY? WHY? WHY?

Is there no hope in the world?

There isn't as it turns out. I should've known this being a very consistent 'other woman' back in my single era.

BUT WHY?

Of course I'm pretty sure the boyfriend will do a lot of other extra work... honestly, I KINDA don't mind him frenching a girl in a club or something... but sex is just off the charts. And holding hands. Possibly because hand holding is too lovey, sex is too lusty and lovey at the same time, but kissing is very unpersonal.

Well partly also because I can kiss with another guy, but I will very much not sex him, and holding hands with him is another matter.

Then there's the cuddling, which is a total no-no, because cuddling must only be enjoyed with the one you love.








Why did my bestfriend do it?! He was mankind's hope. Now there isn't any. And unfortunately, it just became a game of who gets who first.

Sadly, I hate lying. And keeping secrets. I remember having tried to kiss this guy when I was with my ex, goodness. I think about it everyday for a year.

And I just semi-dated a classmate, and is planning to semi-date a friend. Whatever. Semi-date?


And most importantly, the boyfriend will kill me and the guy. Well really, it's just who gets who first. :( I hate it.

Soooooooo.
I love K so much that I'll be using L to get him jealous. OMG I won!

Letter to self when he cheats

Remember when you cheated with M, and J, and everyone else.

You're the one he wants to be with. The other girl/s are just recreation. So he's not that in love anymore. You'll break up with him, you will. There's no other chance... but in the mean time, just deal.

One problem = just one person to tell. And show your smile to the rest of the world.

That's strength. :)

Questions

How do you, like, unwhore yourself?


Ask boyfriend:

1. How many whores have you been with? Are they good or are they just fleshy holes. Do you kiss a lot?

2. Does your ex know you've cheated on her?
Optional: a. If you ever do cheat on me, will you tell me?
b. If you do ever cheat on me, please dont tell me, because I'm going to leave you alone.

3. First sex?

4. How many girls have you divirginized?



Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Alex: "Who knows anything about anyone? Who would really want to?"

4

Hello my clandestine rubbish illegal thoughts rubbish bin.

The boyfriend and I are still together. Its working fine. Not very very happily well, but fine.


#1 The fucking is nice. 'Nice'. It's not amazing. Ive yet to climax. :( Maybe its just like when I was getting fingered. It took me like 6 months to finally get it and finally climax. It's like masturbation, took me years to find it 'nice'. Maybe the times I've had orgasms are countable, I just cant remember. Please give me an orgasm!

#2 My mom and I are not in the best terms. Started last... I dunno. We were supposed to go to some family trip, but then again, she got into this stupid fit.

My dad is no longer opening up to me about his sadness. Makes me think, is it because of what I've always assumed about myself that the more he tells me stuff, the more I degrade my own mother in my mind.. or is it because she has finally stopped cheating?

Even if she is though, she's still my mom. She still deserves that little respect. The outwardly one. Even if deep inside I know that she's just human and isn't a good example. Too much a challenge though.

#3 I feel jailed in. I hate it that I'm not allowed to stay late outside . My mom never had a childhood which is the mother of all causes for her inhumane strictness. Fuck I'm 20 you know. Well makes me think however, if my daughter were this age, how would I treat her? It's risky actually. I actually don't want my daughter ending up like me you know. Fucking her boyfriend.

Do I hate me for that?

Well, my boyfriend thinks I'm such a loser because I... am.

Good thing I'm cool.

#4 Am watching secrets diary of a call girl. I like it. You know how much I love beautified sex.

A thought rose over me, see. Why can't I just have one boyfriend I love and many affairs and my boyfriend won't mind. The main reason 'fidelity' was created in the first place anyway is because the boyfriend will get mad. If it were all right then people would go being with whoever. Maybe it's also because we want to limit some charming person to be everyone's verdict. It's actually pretty logical.

Why can't just human emotions deal with that?

#5 I'm still 'friend-less'. My college friends left me. My high school friends are so antisocial. I have no neighbors to speak of.

What you never had as a kid is what you aim.

On matters of smoking

I want to smoke.
Especially when I'm alone. I just want to feel good about myself. I'm still very naive and I still hold this thinking that smoking is 'cool'. Therefore, when I do smoke, I prefer no one sees me, and I just know it in myself. I am cool.

Fuck.

The First Fuck

We could've
lied
beds apart
Beds the size
of the one
in my room
I could've
imagined
that I wasn't
away
But you caught
my arms
licked my skin
pushed me to
the head board
entered
as I squirmed
and screamed
and sighed
The pounding
hit
my flesh
like steel
You tower above me
the outlaw that you are
The moment was as real
as everyday
The banging
the weight
the breathing
all you
I love.

I do cry for you.
A lot.

I just dont show it because I dont want you thinking that I'm in love you. But in verity, I am. Really abnormally am.

I don't want you to hear me crying because I know you're a free soul.

Yes, sometimes I do wish I'm not inlove with you. The aggravation kills. I can remember leaving the exie when I felt this much aggravation, it being a wrong decision, but I just cant handle the aggravation.

Last nigh I went out with my girls, and they proved me right that I'm still beautiful. Despite the haircut etc. I'd swap you with someone who'll treat me better, but why would I? I love you.

I hate it when I'm being such a girl.

y?

Ah. Boyfriends.

When you're busy, you don't miss them. But when you aren't you go crazy without them.

And you just can't change it. Fuck life.


Speaking of fuck, o yeah, I've. Its not a big deal actually... been doing it for, hmm lemme count. 1, 2, 3 4 5, 6 7. Seven times and we've yet to actually finish it. Makes me feel like I'm still a virgin. And stupid me, I sometimes do it without condoms.

Am gonna stop that now.

Sadly, we haven't made love yet.

...

O fucking.


Aside from these, I don't quite think I'm in a high point of my life. My haircut sucks,. my friends are awkward, and my mom is still cheating on my dad. And my haircut sucks. This will most probably take 1 and a 1-2 months to fix. Am not going back to that salon.


....

Why I'm still blogging here? Maybe I want someone out there to read this. Just not the people I know.

Fear.

I am now officially in love with my boyfriend completely. And yeah, I already had sex with him. Which I guess he deserves because he's becoming a really good boyfriend.

And being diviriginized is not about who deserves what or whoever which. Gawd, I'd die if anyone reads this blog. Fucker.

Point...

I don't have lots of friends as of the minute, see, I drove my blockada away somehow. Maybe it's karma, maybe it's whatever.. I don't know and I'd be learning about it someday.. but right now, it's too difficult to deal with. Maybe I'm becoming one of those people who run away from their fears, because that's exactly what I'm doing. Being weak. Not facing this unattactive social entanglement. And going to the boyfriend everytime something awkward breaks out.


What will become of me now? I don't want to be dependent on him because he'll hate me for that. I'll hate me for that.

Then the backups are all just backups.


But you know what I keep on thinking. Now is just now. You'll leave it behind as much as you do everything else.

Fear though, I never get to keep friends.

I want a friend I can keep.

I miss P.

W is for Whatever part 2

Is this post for season does it even matter?

It's 5 to 11 and it would be fair to say that I'm late for school, considering that my morning class starts at 7 and end pretty much ended 5 mins ago. Yeah. Well, not that it matters because the subject is totally useless.

I'm still going to school though. To eat (no groceries at home. Food, therefore, sucks), to collab with girlsies (adfrec), to see le boyfriend (much missed), and to submit fashion plates.

But pressure is off. I can be there at 1pm and no one would mind.


Would you believe I let my quasi-gay psychology professor doubt my philosophy in life!? See, I've dream of winning stuff couple of times and he interpret it as my dependence on fate and lack of courage to make my own decisions.

Does this make the "anti-pressure, live and love, let the world give you what it gives you" attitude unpreferrable?

...

I'm still not writing good enough.
Oh, and am using HP desktop for work/acad purposes since a.) its vista b.) it does not have virus c.) I INSTALLED THE COMPLETE SET OF CS4 PREMIUM PACKAGE (albeit, 30 day trial only).

oh well.

Little Miss M, you're in a rut.

Of course you are. You pioneered the social regulations to fit your liking and convenience, who would've known it will get you back.

But oh well. That's how it goes.


Nothing is perfect. Which is why you savor every last drop of a perfect moment. Or a moment in time when everything seems to be at peace.


Friendship

I keep on claiming that I no longer have college friends. It's half true, if not completely. I am utterly debarred from the posse I've given my heart to. It sucks, it fucking does. And it's sudden. And I find no sudden change to drastically change my lifestyle.

Anyhows, I have other friends.

I just messed my chance to the life-long 'core'.

Or I'm being negative... whatever.

I've gone through worse loves.


Family

It's almost perfect. If only my mom isn't cheating on my dad. And if only my dad isn't working me to my death and ruining my life.

Not that bad either.

Le Boyfriend

The boyfriend is pressuring me to have sex. Yuhhuh. Hot sex full of love, salive, sweat and cum. I don't want to because I know that I do love him, really really really much. But he's not the one. Yet?

He doesn't treat me as well as he should.

Is it a crime to complain that he doesn't have much manners?
And there's a lot of things about him that I don't want to adopt.





I WANNA BE MISS MANNERS! GOD HELP ME! MISS MANNERS!!!

Letter

Dear Lover,

There is always that doubt if you do love me. I know that you do. Maybe even very much so. But the coldness pierces. Its like every aloof line drives me away from you.

It's perfect actually. Us.

I just don't know how to deal with the frowns and the grunts. It's like, what's the use if I can't make you smile. That's why I'm here for anyway.

I love you. I very much do. Possibly more than I ever did the exie. It took me years to establish great love for him, and you got it in a month's time. Maybe even much so.

I never want to change you. I'm sorry if I changed. I'm sorry if I'm not the girl you were friends with. Sucks, I transform when I turn into a girlfriend. You add girl to the once friend. I hope you don't mind.

Love.

Is this love love?

How can a lot of people have all the right words and I don't seem to have any. Right words.

How come everything seems to be falling apart while other things are building up in place of it. How my friends are becoming more distant than ever, but my relationship, which I doubt will be lasting, but I wish will last long somehow, is flourishing.


How come I can't make this work?

Is there something wrong with our chemistry? :(



Can't I be happy?

Why am I so confused?


Why does "love" have to ruin my relationships?

I love you.

I don't know what to do anymore.


I'm just trying to establish this relationship. I dont want to be dominated, I'm not used to it. I'm never used to being in a fight with boyfriend. I'm so very not used with having a boyfriend who fights back.

Despite this, I love you. Maybe in some weird twisted sense, I love you better.

And when you love someone better, you're stuck.

:( I feel trapped. I don't know how to deal.

It feels miserable. :(

What's our love like?

Mutual.
I think of you a lot, and you think about me a lot. I look up to you and you look up to me.

Under construction
We are still establishing how things are going to work between us. It's still like walking in the darking and depending on the feel of things because the turns are yet to be familliar.

Compromising.
We are people on our own. I have my highs, lows, badsides and goodsides. But we do our best to make it other happy without sacrificing our own.

Doubtful.
I don't think we are each other's future and we know it. We can't even call each other true love just yet.

Temporary.
Our love is now. It is young. We're scared that we might not stand each other after sometime. We even stoop so low as to set an expiry date for our love.


I'm still not used to this I guess. You're imperfect, but I love you.

I can't pressure myself to love you, or even have sex with you, because with that we lose the magic.

Status: Girlfriend

The boyfriend is great aside from the fact that there are things about him I may never get to fully accept. The fact that he curses too much, he forgets his manners, and he's not as sociable as I wish him to be.

The fact that his body mass is twice the amount of mine.

The fact that his hands are callused.

The fact that I never get to control him, because I can't manage him. All the goodness from him is not something I manipulate. Its just how much he loves me.


And he loves me. Which I love the best about him, honestly. That sucks doesn't it. I love him because he loves me.

Why can't I love him for everything about him... just like he does to me?

I love him because he calls me a lot and worries.

I love him because I get to make him smile.

I love him because I calm him.

I love him because of his hugs.

I love him because of his goatee and because of the way he smells.

I love him because he makes me a bit worried from time to time.

I love him because he makes me feel special.

I love him because of the effort.

I love him because he make me kilig.

I love him because I can't get enough of him.

I love him very much because he respects me but finds me sexy. I love his struggle. It's cute and it's hot.

I love him because I'm his cutest girlfriend.


I really do love him because he loves me.

Enough

He gives me the best of everything he can give me.
He loves me the best he can.

I'm supposed to be lucky to have him.

I'm under pressure.


Isn't he lucky to have me?


L says, he isn't. Until I love him completely for who he is, he isn't the lucky one. No matter how much sweetness I exert. No matter how pretty I become. No matter how perfect... until I love him completely, I'm not much.

Am I enough?

Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

KOD

He spent the night drinking alcohol of all sorts, mustering courage. We didn't even want to dance together because the tension will kill us. And who wants to die on the dancefloor?

But he got himself drunk enough.. And I got myself drunk perfectly, that I can no longer see the sea of people around us, even if I try. It was just him and me somehow ending up our limbs locking us up together.

Danced the night away, just like always. And he was there, and I can't remember how it happened, but he just kissed me. And I kissed him back. As if the kiss was long overdue. And he kissed everything. He kissed my eyes, my nose, my cheeks, my forehead, my hair. And we were holding so tight, so loved. So young and restless and happy.

The people looked. But I couldn't care less. We were finally what we were supposed to be, I guess. Together. Uncomplicated. Myself hanging on his shoulders, my bare feet on his chucks, my heels dangling on my hands behind him. Laughing, as always.

And we were just so happy on the way home. Holding hands. Comfortable. Laughing. In love, I guess. My heart is still beating fast at the thought of everything, and not even a badcase of hangover can stop me from feeling as giddy as ever.

Dear Lover

Dear Lover


My heart is still restless from the first kiss
One with feelings
One where you not only kiss my lips
But my eyes
My nose
My face

My heart is still restless from getting to feel you
All over me
As always, towering above me
Like something warm and steady

My heart is still restless from holding your hands
For finally being in contact with you

I lack courage to muster these words
No courage to permit them to leave my lips
Taste the sweet words passing my tounge
You are much loved, lover.

100th post

How are you, little Miss M.


You have created this blog to be an outlet of your emotions and to make your life look pretty. In the end, it may possibly have turned into your lucky charm and made your life and your pretentiously unkikay self PRETTY.


You are in the market right now. Eye-level for the shoppers. You are not on sale. You are sought after.

Exagerratedly speaking: Boys are on their knees.

Once you're taken, a good number will be scratching their heads with anger and regretting in their whiney minds why they have been so slow when YOU were there already. Ready for the bite. All they had to do was move properly.



They fuel you, they do. A day is incomplete without the usual 'you look cute' comments. You feed on the compliments and you devour it with poise. You DEVOUR it, hungrily, wholly, completely... relishing its every taste and texture, yes.... with poise. You have a table napkin on your lap, you bite slowly, you use your utensils properly, and you lick your fingers seductively with the appeal of a little girl who has finished dinner.


Little Miss M,

You are no longer desparate for them touch. You actually want to drift away from the past and move forward like, freeflowing and serene.

I just want to play with my words. Create art with my tools again. And drink because I have friends who love me.



Little Miss M,

You are still full of possiblities. You are youth personafied.



M, you are charmed.

K

Maybe I left you for a long time because I didnt want to give any more importance to K.

But it's too late now.


He's great. Have to hand it to him.


I am unofficially the pseudo-girlfriend. It's girlfriend-osity without the sex, the touch, and the commitment. But the semi-sanction is there. And the concern.


And a fair amount of sweetness. God bless the sponteinity. His. The pleasant surprises.

Ex: Having lunch with him. Before I go pay, I'll learn he's footed the whole bill. I just don't know how to thank him, so I don't. And as a stereotypical guy-guy, drams is too much for him to handle. If he's in drama, it means, its a real life situataion where it really is too much for him to handle.



I love him, I do. As a friend. A good one. As a pseudo-boyfriend. But not as a lover.


I am savoring every moment with him. His sweetness. His taunts. His car. His thoughtfulness. His manliness. His high regard for me.


He won't ever say it, but he is balled up in the palm of my hands. Its just every movement must be precise, and smooth.

The longer I keep this going, the worse it becomes. The bigger? Yes, the bigger. Sometimes, ofcourse, I'll feel like its slowly rotting... very slowly. Then something nice comes up. Like him showing up unexpectedly, like him breathing heavy on the phone and saying my name repeatedly.




My thoughts are inconsistent.


But the conclusion remains: I don't want a boyfriend. Not him. If someone's going to arrive, someone will. I don't want him hurt, I don't want me hurt either. I don't know why I'm letting this grow. And I barely have the will to stop it. And savoring it to the core may possibly mean nourishing it.

Gawd. I just want to write my poetry. Leave me be!