MEANINGLESS

Some kisses are just not meant to be told anymore.


Yeah whatever I kissed Mk's friend on the cab the other night. Tongue-lessly. We cuddled a bit. I dunnoo.. it was just friendly. Excerpts like this doesn't even deserve to be on this blog.

BUT I KISSED HIM? WTF!?!!

Well his face was thisclose. Ugh next time I won't make the first move. I know its a two-way whataver. The other one does the initiation, the other one goes for the kill. Always.


You can't judge either.


He's a friend. And he'll remain to be.

And I'm not telling anyone becasue I'm ashamed. Im not telling because it is of no value anyway.




On the other hand. I am officially slutty.

The Perfect Kiss

The cab drives further and further into the night. The semi-busy road has become a charm.

His body warmth envelopes me completely. And I drown in his aroma. My chin brushes the warm skin on his shoulders.

His lips were on my cheeks. My lips were on his.
Moving slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly.
Until we get there.


I was in love for the moment. After a long agravation, I was in love in that supple moment.





And tomorrow we're friends.

Exie

I went out with the exie, the new girlfriend, and misc friends a while ago. Weirdly, I had so much fun with the hideous looking new gf. And I was so honest to death. And unbitter. But most of all I got the closure I needed.

I got to slap him with the gf's consent... and tell him that he broke my heart.

And I no longer have feelings for him.

He's the perfect guy, he was.. but the magic is no longer there.


I just feel at peace now.

Pschological Analysis

The freaking problem with you is:

You take the boy-ing around seriously.

You think parties are the work.


They aren't.


Your mind should be bombarded with thoughts of school and... nothing. There is no reason you should be thinking of anything. But you are. FUCK FUCK. Atleast you don't have PC games all over your brain... but still... this is just as destructive.

You even have a whole blog dedicated to recording your quests of boying around.


This "addiction" probably came from a bad childhood. The childhood where no one crushed on you. Where no one found you pretty.

WTF. You're just abnormal. And you are attempting to fulfill the ideal in a world that's more realistic. Realistic = having low expectations. Ideal = aiming for the impossible.

They would say that aiming for the impossible is the way to go since thats what the great minds and characters did... but what teh fuckah. And sometimes, your only hope is the fact that you've gone from blah to pretty.. and you now think you can do everything.

Gawd. This post just became an emo psychological analysis of my inner unconscious thoughts. Ack.

Number 2

One of the reasons I even made this blog is so that I can stop on bothering my friends about the annoying minute details I dwell on everyday.

Like for example, Mk lying to my face that his battery is off, when he's a-hiding in the other room, texting possibly his girlfriend. The number 1.


I'm not even number 2.


I'm just someone. I'm like Female1. Just some "fantastic" girl that he makes out with. In his perception, I'm a slut of some sort. He thinks I do this boy-ing around for fun and I don't take it seriously.

Well, I'm a girl... and I'm human... and I totally like him. Gawd. I can say I'm infatuated by him, but we already made out. Does that count?



Rule#8 on L's how to be a good #2 guideline under the category "Dont Expect":
8. You deserve better.




And I do.

But I can wait. Whatever. What will happen will happen. I'm just in a fucking rut right now.



I WANT TO JUST GIVE UP ON BOYS!


I am letting this happen to me. Why? Because I can't find anyone out there I like to love me.

In being pretty and charming, you get the luxury that only men have. The luxury of selection.

The best thing I've ever done in a long time is this.

I stuck up for a friend.

For K.

One of the bestest friends whose ever been there for me when I was in trouble. He always gives me the smartest advices. Not necessarily the best, but good advices anyhows.

...

It's time to stop expecting from Mk. All he wants is to kiss me. In the cab ride home, he went all "we have our limits".

I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. I can't believe you have the slightest possiblity of being an asshole.

I likeD you so much because you might be a BIT different from the rest. Being the sweet guy you are despite the fact you're having an affair with me, and not asking me about it.

...

I seriously want a break from all the boy-dom. But there's nothing to keep me company. I love the drinking sessions, I do. And I love the intimacy.

I hate it that I'm all over Mk. Like some love-sick puppy, when he knows I have guys gushing all over me. Lots of them.




FIX ME FIX ME FIX ME FIX ME.

Wasted.

I'm in my worst shape ever.


1. I have three major boys in my life. All of whom will not take me seriously.
2. I am seriously in-like with one of them. The best one ofcourse. But he sees me as strictly his affair. Which I totally am not supposed to mind. But I do mind. Because I am getting emotional with him, and of all the men, he's the one who's all physical.
Fine all three of them are not serious anyways. What am I complaining about anyways? I wanted this. Might as well as enjoy it.
3. I am not in the DL list.
4. I go home smelling like beer and smoke everynight.
5. I have valiums.
6. I am broke. Broke with debts!



I NEED TO GET MY ACT TOGETHER!

My family is falling apart and I am having an affair.

Two affairs.


That's karma for you.



I don't even know if this is still working. I just know its great because I am not committing.

...

The perfect solution to the boy addiction is to not rant on about it. :*

Affairs

It's official.

Mk and I have a thing.


It's not just some one-night-stand where we forget about everything the next morning. Again, it's something that may possibly go on for days, months, etc.


But I'm not expecting him to leave her.

...

I don't like him enough just yet.

Reality just bit me. He's not as cute as my infatuation has taught me.. not as fun, not as perfect. But I still like him. He's still "alright" for me :)

...

I still like the way he would've treat me though. :)


...


So...

I have this one private affair with J. And a public one with MK which will ruin my reputation. Oooer.

Fuck.


Still, no pressure.

It's 2:12. Im horny. I wann fuck-ish the MK.

Selfish

I'm so deluded that I've allowed myself into comtemplating that Mk may be the NL. The infamous NL that I've quit pursuing.

It was just more or less 2 hours of frenching, cuddling, touching, and swee tongueing and I'm all over him.

Fuck.


I'm selfish. I know I can and I did.


My mom may be having an affair with someone and that someone is soo selfish that he wouldn't care less if he's ruining a family. Think of all the emotional investment. She's built her life around us. Why is it so easy for a guy to just snag her away.

It's because he can.

I do it to because I can.



I'm selfish. I make L cry. I go for him when I want to kiss. I went for J before because of the promises of glory and convenience through his ill-advertised wealth. I kissed J despite the fact that he has a girlfriend. I kissed another Male1 despite the fact that he already is an affair with a close friend of mine. I kissed my 2nd kiss even if I knew he had a girlfriend too. I am going after L's ex even if she's already warned me and almost as much as sworn to leave me for that. Well she didnt, but you get my point.






I dont want to ruin a relationship. It's fucking sick.



And I just know that he'll end everything tomorrow. The MK, the could've been NL.

MK

I can't stop thinking of how MK kissed me. As much as he told me not to expect, I already am. It's just that I loooved talking to him that night. Seriously. And we were so nice to each other.

We just don't know what things will be like when classes start.


I guess we should've talked about it. Or maybe we'll just find out.

I mean, I do like him.. and I'm willing to snake him. Yes, I pretty much like him that much. Sucks that he isn't as cute as he SHOULD be, but I guess, well thats the price you pay. Well atleast they wont judge you.

Ahhah. But they will. Because you kissed with a guy who has a gf AGAIN.


I just STILL can't believe he did. I mean, why not, right? I'm a hot girl. And I used my body and hotness to my advantage.

Ack.





And the karma is I'm liking him so much when I shouldn't.

Plus my friends are getting tired of my boy talk.



P.S. He totally felt me up when we were making out.



I'm supposed to be happily SINGLE right now if we must know. I love you self. :*