Assuming that he's innocent

Assuming that he is innocent,
Would you want him back?

Think of what you feel when you type these:
I want him. = ok
I want to move on. = scared. big words.


I'm so tired of crying. Of doubting, second-guessing.
I see him so differently already, like, that he wants to fuck other girls. He's gigil. He does things behind my back.

Part of me is ok.
But THE WHOLE of me says I don't want to be those girls I pity.

Prayers, intuitions, and the gift of not needing to know everything.

It doesn't matter maybe if it's true or not.

He was texting a girl at 2am when I was calling him and he wasn't answering.

Right now, there's no use talking to him.


As always, the first few minutes, maybe first few hours, you feel relief. I'm all shakey and out of breath, yeah... but I feel relief. Isn't this what you always wanted? You even prayed for this last night.

Then tomorrow I'll be slightly annoyed.

Then maybe a month for now I'll be crying again everyday.


I'll face it, my greatest fear is to end up with a womanizer.

I just can't handle it.


Maybe that's even why I'm being all alpha-female, because I'm so scared of being cheated on. Maybe that's why


I don't think I need the truth. I just want to get away from him. I've always been looking for an exit, but I get so enamored  with his simple gestures. I don't think it's a talent or anything or that he is any special, I think it's good ol' human nature.

I don't mind being wrong. I always say that right?

I just want to get away already. It's easier to forgive him if he can't hurt me again. I just want to forgive. I want to be peaceful. I want to stop crying everyday. I want to stop doubting all the time. I want to be secure... even if it means the basic ground zero security that says you won't get hurt because you're not attaching yourself to him. That's good enough.



I'm so scared of the following days / months where I'll be sad and hurt. I just don't want to see him. I want to move on. Maybe this is what Oshi was feeling when she found out that her ex cheated on her again. "Nakakawalang gana."


I think I have the power to move on now. How I feel today will be different from how I feel tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. But I just don't want to end up with a guy who might get a whore, who might text other girls etc. I'm so tired of it all.


I read before "If there's not Trust, there's no us."

Oh, intuitions.

I've been trying to forgive for months now. I can't. It haunts me everyday. Whenever I feel like I'm close to forgiving, I get enraged the next day, and raaawwr.



Thee big question, that will always be blind sided with emotions is:
"Do you want to just be friends?"

Yes. At the moment.

I can't trust him. And most of all, I can't forgive him.

Maybe it's really time to go.