Soooooooo.
I love K so much that I'll be using L to get him jealous. OMG I won!

Letter to self when he cheats

Remember when you cheated with M, and J, and everyone else.

You're the one he wants to be with. The other girl/s are just recreation. So he's not that in love anymore. You'll break up with him, you will. There's no other chance... but in the mean time, just deal.

One problem = just one person to tell. And show your smile to the rest of the world.

That's strength. :)

Questions

How do you, like, unwhore yourself?


Ask boyfriend:

1. How many whores have you been with? Are they good or are they just fleshy holes. Do you kiss a lot?

2. Does your ex know you've cheated on her?
Optional: a. If you ever do cheat on me, will you tell me?
b. If you do ever cheat on me, please dont tell me, because I'm going to leave you alone.

3. First sex?

4. How many girls have you divirginized?



Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Alex: "Who knows anything about anyone? Who would really want to?"

4

Hello my clandestine rubbish illegal thoughts rubbish bin.

The boyfriend and I are still together. Its working fine. Not very very happily well, but fine.


#1 The fucking is nice. 'Nice'. It's not amazing. Ive yet to climax. :( Maybe its just like when I was getting fingered. It took me like 6 months to finally get it and finally climax. It's like masturbation, took me years to find it 'nice'. Maybe the times I've had orgasms are countable, I just cant remember. Please give me an orgasm!

#2 My mom and I are not in the best terms. Started last... I dunno. We were supposed to go to some family trip, but then again, she got into this stupid fit.

My dad is no longer opening up to me about his sadness. Makes me think, is it because of what I've always assumed about myself that the more he tells me stuff, the more I degrade my own mother in my mind.. or is it because she has finally stopped cheating?

Even if she is though, she's still my mom. She still deserves that little respect. The outwardly one. Even if deep inside I know that she's just human and isn't a good example. Too much a challenge though.

#3 I feel jailed in. I hate it that I'm not allowed to stay late outside . My mom never had a childhood which is the mother of all causes for her inhumane strictness. Fuck I'm 20 you know. Well makes me think however, if my daughter were this age, how would I treat her? It's risky actually. I actually don't want my daughter ending up like me you know. Fucking her boyfriend.

Do I hate me for that?

Well, my boyfriend thinks I'm such a loser because I... am.

Good thing I'm cool.

#4 Am watching secrets diary of a call girl. I like it. You know how much I love beautified sex.

A thought rose over me, see. Why can't I just have one boyfriend I love and many affairs and my boyfriend won't mind. The main reason 'fidelity' was created in the first place anyway is because the boyfriend will get mad. If it were all right then people would go being with whoever. Maybe it's also because we want to limit some charming person to be everyone's verdict. It's actually pretty logical.

Why can't just human emotions deal with that?

#5 I'm still 'friend-less'. My college friends left me. My high school friends are so antisocial. I have no neighbors to speak of.

What you never had as a kid is what you aim.

On matters of smoking

I want to smoke.
Especially when I'm alone. I just want to feel good about myself. I'm still very naive and I still hold this thinking that smoking is 'cool'. Therefore, when I do smoke, I prefer no one sees me, and I just know it in myself. I am cool.

Fuck.

The First Fuck

We could've
lied
beds apart
Beds the size
of the one
in my room
I could've
imagined
that I wasn't
away
But you caught
my arms
licked my skin
pushed me to
the head board
entered
as I squirmed
and screamed
and sighed
The pounding
hit
my flesh
like steel
You tower above me
the outlaw that you are
The moment was as real
as everyday
The banging
the weight
the breathing
all you
I love.