Dignity

Dignity dignity dignity. Keep your dignity. That's all you will ever have left. It's sexy, almost as sexy as independence.

on Acceptance and other options

...  You are responsible for your inner space, no one else is.

... leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.

... If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility of your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. They accept the consequences. No excuses. No negativity. No psychic pollution.

- Power of Now

Assuming that he's innocent

Assuming that he is innocent,
Would you want him back?

Think of what you feel when you type these:
I want him. = ok
I want to move on. = scared. big words.


I'm so tired of crying. Of doubting, second-guessing.
I see him so differently already, like, that he wants to fuck other girls. He's gigil. He does things behind my back.

Part of me is ok.
But THE WHOLE of me says I don't want to be those girls I pity.

Prayers, intuitions, and the gift of not needing to know everything.

It doesn't matter maybe if it's true or not.

He was texting a girl at 2am when I was calling him and he wasn't answering.

Right now, there's no use talking to him.


As always, the first few minutes, maybe first few hours, you feel relief. I'm all shakey and out of breath, yeah... but I feel relief. Isn't this what you always wanted? You even prayed for this last night.

Then tomorrow I'll be slightly annoyed.

Then maybe a month for now I'll be crying again everyday.


I'll face it, my greatest fear is to end up with a womanizer.

I just can't handle it.


Maybe that's even why I'm being all alpha-female, because I'm so scared of being cheated on. Maybe that's why


I don't think I need the truth. I just want to get away from him. I've always been looking for an exit, but I get so enamored  with his simple gestures. I don't think it's a talent or anything or that he is any special, I think it's good ol' human nature.

I don't mind being wrong. I always say that right?

I just want to get away already. It's easier to forgive him if he can't hurt me again. I just want to forgive. I want to be peaceful. I want to stop crying everyday. I want to stop doubting all the time. I want to be secure... even if it means the basic ground zero security that says you won't get hurt because you're not attaching yourself to him. That's good enough.



I'm so scared of the following days / months where I'll be sad and hurt. I just don't want to see him. I want to move on. Maybe this is what Oshi was feeling when she found out that her ex cheated on her again. "Nakakawalang gana."


I think I have the power to move on now. How I feel today will be different from how I feel tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. But I just don't want to end up with a guy who might get a whore, who might text other girls etc. I'm so tired of it all.


I read before "If there's not Trust, there's no us."

Oh, intuitions.

I've been trying to forgive for months now. I can't. It haunts me everyday. Whenever I feel like I'm close to forgiving, I get enraged the next day, and raaawwr.



Thee big question, that will always be blind sided with emotions is:
"Do you want to just be friends?"

Yes. At the moment.

I can't trust him. And most of all, I can't forgive him.

Maybe it's really time to go.

Peaceful.

Well.

Authentically, I've never felt so peaceful. I'm honestly so out of love with this man, but he makes me feel so peaceful. So home.

I feel no attraction, really. Yes, weirdly after spending five years pining over him, I FEEL NO ATTRACTION. Of course I'm just wishing this is a phase, and I know it takes time, and besides I know that at the moment my heart belongs to someone else. Partly I'm still a little bit grabbing on to my last (and very recent) relationship, because I don't want to hurry. I don't want to fall in love yet.

I AM VERY SCARED.

I'm scared that he MIGHT NOT be the one.. and I'm scared that he MIGHT be the one.

I guess it's both fine. Maybe this is a rebound, and all that matters is I'm doing well right now. Very well. It's not very well like everything is just miraculously better... but I'm not tense and anxious anymore.. which is everything I've hoped for in my whole life.


.... Oh peace. I've been looking for you all over the world.

Kaya ko naman e. Pero ayokong kayanin.

I'm sure this time I can forgive him... but I wish I don't go back.

Good Break Up

Within 24 hours of breaking up, I know I've been ready for this for a long time.

I feel very safe and free and at peace. Im sure he feels the same. I'm sure he loves me as much as i love him. Im sure we could have made it work, but we both would've suffered and not grown.

I'm sure he's a very good man.

But he doesn't love me the way I want to be loved. I want to be adored and respected.

I know no one out there is perfect. And I'm sure there's more to life than love.

I just love breathing right now, I'm sure he's doing fine and good. :)

Do not crave happiness

Happiness is hypocritical. It is in the desire of what we think makes us "happy" that we drift away from happiness.

Do not desire to be happy. You don't always need to be happy. Peace transcends happiness all the time.

Any addiction is bad for you. There is such thing as addiction to happiness that leads you to hurt.

Bhagavad-Gita: One who does not dwell on the desires of the mind, but finds satisfaction from within, is deep in knowledge. One who is undisturbed by misery, not craving happiness, free from attachment, fear and anger, is a sage of steady mind. One who is without affection for good or evil, meeting both without praise or blame, is secure in wisdom.

Things I learned and earned from breakup 2009

As I was distracted from my original trail of thought, here we go again:

It haunted me for 5 years... and I regretted having done it for 5 years. But now in the present I'm happy that I did gain myself. I wish it took a year to do it though and less hassle and heartbreak... but here we are.

I have rounds of friends who will be there for me.

I am not dependent on anyone, and I do hope from now on that I will never be.

I am closer to my family than ever.

I have seen the type of men out there and I know what I want and I know that they can be such scums that I'd hold precious a good relationship when I get it.

I am now "successful".  And still aiming for independence and success. I will never quit my job when I get a family. Better yet I will have my OWN business.


And finally, I know I will get over anyone. Kung ikaw na get over ko, anybody else pa kaya. The sense of freedom is immensely beautiful and calming that I'm starting to believe I am happy WITHIN.

2013

It haunted me for 5 years... and I regretted having done it for 5 years. But now in the present I'm happy that I did gain myself. I wish it took a year to do it though and less hassle and heartbreak... but here we are.

I don't know whether I'll be having a break-up or make-up the next few days. I know that a break-up would be nice. It'd be a vacation from the whole year I spent crying. But I also know that he's a good guy so yeah time for the "non-doing".

I spent the whole day getting better with the whole idea though. Yes, that's a whole day of salary for a clear mind. As of 8:42pm, I am magically calm. The facts are that a lot of people goes through this, has gone through this and the whole humanity will go through this helps. (thanks experienceproject.com)

Also I might as well as act differently now. I can't change him.. all I can change is myself. Maybe this will inspire a change in him, maybe it won't... but to change my actions at this stage is so much better than being the overbearing "better half" that I was being.


Also from reading "Women Men Love, Women Men Leave" I think I'm doing a good job. I am claiming what I know I deserve.

Also I love that Love was discussed there as a natural occurrence and not just some magic that happens to a handful of lucky people.

I'm so scared of leaving you and finding you with another girl. And this one you're not afraid to show her to the world. And this one you're not afraid to show that you love her. THIS JUST BREAKS MY HEART TO PIECE PIECE PIECES.


I wonder which hurts more though... when I was replaced immediately, and this girl got EVERYTHING I HAD. Or when I get replaced a the new girl gets EVERYTHING I WANTED.

Because I know of how much love you can give. Ive been there. I used to swim in all your love.

Maybe I just don't have what it takes to keep a man. To get him to love me forever. Maybe because love is extremely unstable anyway.

We all have this hopes for happy ever after. Or even just a decent-ever-after. But we all also feel hopeless. Maybe some does and some don't. Obviously, at the moment, I do.


How can someone who used to give me the sun and the moon now despise me. How can he now be so unresponsive and unrespective of me. I can list a whole load of reasons why he won't. Mostly because I am weak, and I let this happen. Also maybe we just aren't compatible of each other no matter how much I want it to work.

Part of me thinks that the only way I can save myself is if I break up with him. I know I deserve better. Where is this sense of entitlement coming from? Is it because I'm a pretty young girl? Is it because my parents loved me and told me so? Is it because of the magazines I read?


Why am I letting love play such a fucking big role in my life? All these men coming around breaking my heart, really seriously breaking me to pieces. And human beings do it all the time. Break each other's hearts.


How is it that men can hurt me so much. I'm very scared of being a Kris Aquino and a Taylor Swift. So desperate for love but never having it. But honestly, it does sound like me. Maybe it sounds like me right now. Because I remember a lot of times when Love is staring me at the face and I keep on just playing with it and throwing it away.

Yeah I do remember the days that I was so afraid of love... and now that I'm where I am now, no wonder people are afraid to love.

And it's a wonder they even ever do it again.

God Provides

I've said it a million gazillion times, but MAYBE this time it's real. It awfully feels real.

I think I'm over you.

Yes, I know that there's still chance etc etc... but my heart just feels free-er. A whole lot free-er... from you.

Like it feels like I feel fine whoever I end up with. It no longer has to be you anymore. Maybe because I finally realized youre not perfect. That it's been a grand illusion for 5 years... maybe you feel the same also. Maybe the shadow of my imperfection is also looming over you as we talk. All that selfishness and overconfidence I have, its tugging on your sleeve.

You're not as manly, masipag, laidback as my imagination/ memory tells me.

Or ofcourse maybe it's because I have this imperfect boyfriend and I just love him more. Maybe it's psychology... like you love what you can't have. He's mine, but I can't have him. I'm sure I'm not a masochist with that love of hurting myself.... but frustration is desire's twin.

It sucks. It hurts. It's so unbelievably weird.

But still it's nice to know that you are there. Love or no love. It's like God is saying that whatever happens, WEIRDLY, someone loves me.