I don't like Male1 anymore. And I dont like J. And I dont like the other Male1 AT ALL in the first place.
The others? I never liked in the first place.
I don't have no one.
Sometimes, you can't help who you're attracted to. Who you love. Etc, etc. We're all just hoping for the bestest best.
Atleast I'm pretty. Which isn't much in a world full of other pretties.
...
Dear NL,
You are not around.
-M
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Pierced
I had my navel pierced.
It feels some sort of initiation to the world of slutiness. Ugh.
Tragically, though, I did it for totally weird reasons.
The 10 reasons M built a hole in her belly button
1. It's something I've always wanted to do and knew I had the right to. (I've got a rather pretty tummy, see.)
2. It's now or never
3. I've almost gotten to 90 pounds, and that was my condition.
4. I am so tiny. I need to make myself a bit sexier than what I really am.
5. Duh. Because it's hot.
6. Because Male1 may find it hot. Oooer.
7. Because I told myself that the pain is better than heart ache. Or atleast it could divert my attention.
8. My sister wanted it too.
9. Because sem break is around and it'd totally make my bikini prettier.
10. I want.
I can't write. Ugh. I'll go get ready for school.
It feels some sort of initiation to the world of slutiness. Ugh.
Tragically, though, I did it for totally weird reasons.
The 10 reasons M built a hole in her belly button
1. It's something I've always wanted to do and knew I had the right to. (I've got a rather pretty tummy, see.)
2. It's now or never
3. I've almost gotten to 90 pounds, and that was my condition.
4. I am so tiny. I need to make myself a bit sexier than what I really am.
5. Duh. Because it's hot.
6. Because Male1 may find it hot. Oooer.
7. Because I told myself that the pain is better than heart ache. Or atleast it could divert my attention.
8. My sister wanted it too.
9. Because sem break is around and it'd totally make my bikini prettier.
10. I want.
I can't write. Ugh. I'll go get ready for school.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I do not have a boy for myself. But I have Boys.
An old crush told me this before and I wasn't able to understand or appreciate it, but now that I do, I feel so much better.
These boys take care of me.
...
The sucky thing about Male1 is the fact that he is the only crush so far who has shown no interest in me. Sucks.
An old crush told me this before and I wasn't able to understand or appreciate it, but now that I do, I feel so much better.
These boys take care of me.
...
The sucky thing about Male1 is the fact that he is the only crush so far who has shown no interest in me. Sucks.
Friday, September 26, 2008
I like Male1 an itsybitsy tinnyweeny bit too much. Just a bit, sometimes. But most of the times, I like him just right.. or not exactly too much at all.
Get my drift?
It's not exactly hopeless, see? It's just that the chances are not above 50%. He's living his world, and I'm living mine. We are so effing different. And he's not what I'm looking for.
I just, I don't know... Like him.
Besides. We're so better off as friends.
I know these statements sound like those cheezy lits where we actually end up together, but it's not actually. Ack. I just like him, and that makes me smile. I guess that's enough.
I love life though.
...
I'm hanging out with the boys lots today. And the girls too. Everything's just perfect. Balance. Peace. :* Love you self.
Get my drift?
It's not exactly hopeless, see? It's just that the chances are not above 50%. He's living his world, and I'm living mine. We are so effing different. And he's not what I'm looking for.
I just, I don't know... Like him.
Besides. We're so better off as friends.
I know these statements sound like those cheezy lits where we actually end up together, but it's not actually. Ack. I just like him, and that makes me smile. I guess that's enough.
I love life though.
...
I'm hanging out with the boys lots today. And the girls too. Everything's just perfect. Balance. Peace. :* Love you self.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
I am in love with love.
I look at the pictures of people I barely know, see them happily in love, and I feel kilig overwhelm me. For them. For me.
I am in love with love. Not with just anyone.
I want to be in love with you, not with the concept of you.
And as cliche and gross as this sounds, I'm not rushing. :*
...
What is wrong with me? I make paasa. Uhhuh. I'm that kind of girl. :( I dont want to hurt anyone. I dont want to just experiment. How can you experience everything without experimenting though.
I look at the pictures of people I barely know, see them happily in love, and I feel kilig overwhelm me. For them. For me.
I am in love with love. Not with just anyone.
I want to be in love with you, not with the concept of you.
And as cliche and gross as this sounds, I'm not rushing. :*
...
What is wrong with me? I make paasa. Uhhuh. I'm that kind of girl. :( I dont want to hurt anyone. I dont want to just experiment. How can you experience everything without experimenting though.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Indulge
I spent the day thinking of Male1. Another day. Sigh. If I had other things to do, I'd be.. duh.. doing other things than that. Unfortunately, I don't.
Sigh.
Haha.
Right now, I feel great. Very. Smiling. Hopeful. Excited.
...
Indulge in the crushie. Soon it'll be gone anyways.
Sigh.
Haha.
Right now, I feel great. Very. Smiling. Hopeful. Excited.
...
Indulge in the crushie. Soon it'll be gone anyways.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Flirting away
SCo.
Male 1.
Another Male1.
I smell like a night of vice, as usual.
I will stop smoking for a month.
Through some weird turn of fate, he sat down beside me, and we sang at the karaoke together. He pointed out that he'll touch my legs, which is so not a big deal, because he was just joking. Er. He pointed out how white his legs are.
I FLIRTED WITH HIM LIKE I ALWAYS DO WITH PEOPLE. I take off his scrunchy, I lean on his legs... I play footsie A BIT... yadayadayadayada.. I don't even want to think about it. About anything. Because he's a friend. And I don't want anything weirded out.
M, please remind yourself that he's got yellow teeth. Badtrip, you're drunk kasi.
Argh.
Ampf.
Argh.
Don't take it seriously, though.
On less serious-er notes, I promise Male2, a male blockmate whose bugging me lots, that I'll kiss him. Haha. It's cute. But duh.. I won't. Im such a flirtatious character, I am.
Stop thinking that they are your boys, because you're not their girl. Not any one of these guys. No pressure. And none of them is quite worth it anyway. No one worth past 24 hours.
...
On the other hand, J proclaims (ish) his love (ish) for me to the boys. Aww, sweet.
You know what's funny.. I don't even want to think about it. About anything. Nada.
...
I just don't want to go back there. The dark ages. I'm scared of the dark ages.
...
Dear M of the future days,
You're going back to these pages one day and laugh at it. More so, find yourself foolish. That's what you ALWAYS get for impulse flirting with guys you dont actually like in the first place. But what's practice to you, no?
Are you still on your quest for a Him? The NL? No, you're not. You're just out there, being the little girl that you are. Pretty, charming, sweet, lovely, normal. Normal.
As long as you're happy, what else is there to it?
-Sep2008 version of M
Male 1.
Another Male1.
I smell like a night of vice, as usual.
I will stop smoking for a month.
Through some weird turn of fate, he sat down beside me, and we sang at the karaoke together. He pointed out that he'll touch my legs, which is so not a big deal, because he was just joking. Er. He pointed out how white his legs are.
I FLIRTED WITH HIM LIKE I ALWAYS DO WITH PEOPLE. I take off his scrunchy, I lean on his legs... I play footsie A BIT... yadayadayadayada.. I don't even want to think about it. About anything. Because he's a friend. And I don't want anything weirded out.
M, please remind yourself that he's got yellow teeth. Badtrip, you're drunk kasi.
Argh.
Ampf.
Argh.
Don't take it seriously, though.
On less serious-er notes, I promise Male2, a male blockmate whose bugging me lots, that I'll kiss him. Haha. It's cute. But duh.. I won't. Im such a flirtatious character, I am.
Stop thinking that they are your boys, because you're not their girl. Not any one of these guys. No pressure. And none of them is quite worth it anyway. No one worth past 24 hours.
...
On the other hand, J proclaims (ish) his love (ish) for me to the boys. Aww, sweet.
You know what's funny.. I don't even want to think about it. About anything. Nada.
...
I just don't want to go back there. The dark ages. I'm scared of the dark ages.
...
Dear M of the future days,
You're going back to these pages one day and laugh at it. More so, find yourself foolish. That's what you ALWAYS get for impulse flirting with guys you dont actually like in the first place. But what's practice to you, no?
Are you still on your quest for a Him? The NL? No, you're not. You're just out there, being the little girl that you are. Pretty, charming, sweet, lovely, normal. Normal.
As long as you're happy, what else is there to it?
-Sep2008 version of M
Friday, September 19, 2008
Magic
Going home late, having smoked half a cigarette pack and drank sufficient amount of alcohol has its charm. Magic.
Male1
I promised this guy.. let's call him Male1 that I will have lunch with him.
He's okay.. but he's not pretty enough.. and I have no idea what his like. You know how pretty much critical I can be. I mean, reputation dear... what does his friends think of him. Is he a highly respected son of a bitch. Has he dated too much girls. Yadayadayadayada...
My gaawwsh.
I dont know how to handle this actually.
I dont want to end up regretting I ever went out with him.. Ack. I hate N. She makes me feel that way. Don't like her to much. L and the others will love me no matter what. But N makes me feel like, I don't know. Fucking critical! I hate her.
CAN I TELL HIM THAT I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS AFTER PROMISING GOING OUT WITH HIM. And besides, his body does not suck.
He's okay.. but he's not pretty enough.. and I have no idea what his like. You know how pretty much critical I can be. I mean, reputation dear... what does his friends think of him. Is he a highly respected son of a bitch. Has he dated too much girls. Yadayadayadayada...
My gaawwsh.
I dont know how to handle this actually.
I dont want to end up regretting I ever went out with him.. Ack. I hate N. She makes me feel that way. Don't like her to much. L and the others will love me no matter what. But N makes me feel like, I don't know. Fucking critical! I hate her.
CAN I TELL HIM THAT I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS AFTER PROMISING GOING OUT WITH HIM. And besides, his body does not suck.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Happily Single
N asked me, "Will you take your next boyfriend seriously?"
Before I even got to think about it, I said "No."
That one moment changed greatly how I viewed everything.
I don't want to be seriously involved. I have the rest of life ahead of me. I have 20 more years to find love of whatever sort.
Great guys are out there, you know. This is the Phil. I don't mind settling down at 40 if that's what life wants for me.
In the meantime, if I snag a guy, I snag a guy. If I don't, then I don't. I guess I have to stick to this now. No more bitterness. No more whining when people are being all affectionate. No more desperately flirting with any guy that comes my way. No more screening prospects.
I have to prove to them that I don't need a guy anymore.
And prove to myself in the process that I'm a completely happy person with just what I have.
In the meantime, I'm indulging in everything I've deprived myself of on the dark ages. Magazines. Movies. Clothes. Accesories. Good food. Great movies. Great books. Glamour. Makeup.
I don't want to care about what they see about me anymore.
I am glamour. I know I'm a friendly and totally amicable person, but I'm no longer pushing myself. I love my friends. They are great parts of my life just the way they are. I love my family.
God I surrender everything to you.
Before I even got to think about it, I said "No."
That one moment changed greatly how I viewed everything.
I don't want to be seriously involved. I have the rest of life ahead of me. I have 20 more years to find love of whatever sort.
Great guys are out there, you know. This is the Phil. I don't mind settling down at 40 if that's what life wants for me.
In the meantime, if I snag a guy, I snag a guy. If I don't, then I don't. I guess I have to stick to this now. No more bitterness. No more whining when people are being all affectionate. No more desperately flirting with any guy that comes my way. No more screening prospects.
I have to prove to them that I don't need a guy anymore.
And prove to myself in the process that I'm a completely happy person with just what I have.
In the meantime, I'm indulging in everything I've deprived myself of on the dark ages. Magazines. Movies. Clothes. Accesories. Good food. Great movies. Great books. Glamour. Makeup.
I don't want to care about what they see about me anymore.
I am glamour. I know I'm a friendly and totally amicable person, but I'm no longer pushing myself. I love my friends. They are great parts of my life just the way they are. I love my family.
God I surrender everything to you.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Folks
My parents are going through a tough time.
I'm going through a tough time.
Everything's just being tough.
I used to think that there's something in life that is forever... like my mom loving my dad, and all that shit.
Sigh.
I'm going through a tough time.
Everything's just being tough.
I used to think that there's something in life that is forever... like my mom loving my dad, and all that shit.
Sigh.
Sick.
The clearest arrive to you when you've just woken up.
...
I have Cyclothymia.
It's a milder, more manageable form of bipolar disorder.
I am depressed. Again.
"With cyclothymia, you have short periods of emotional highs when you feel on top of the world, followed by lows that may leave you feeling hopeless and suicidal. And in between these cyclothymic highs and lows, you may have times when your mood is stable and you feel fine."
"
...
I have Cyclothymia.
It's a milder, more manageable form of bipolar disorder.
I am depressed. Again.
"With cyclothymia, you have short periods of emotional highs when you feel on top of the world, followed by lows that may leave you feeling hopeless and suicidal. And in between these cyclothymic highs and lows, you may have times when your mood is stable and you feel fine."
"
Hypomanic phase of cyclothymic disorder
Signs and symptoms of hypomanic episodes of cyclothymia may include:
- Unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria)
- Extreme optimism
- Inflated self-esteem
- Poor judgment
- Rapid speech
- Racing thoughts
- Aggressive or hostile behavior
- Being inconsiderate of others
- Agitation
- Increased physical activity
- Risky behavior
- Spending sprees
- Increased drive to perform or achieve goals
- Increased sexual drive
- Decreased need for sleep
- Tendency to be easily distracted
- Inability to concentrate
Depressive phase of cyclothymic disorder
Signs and symptoms of depressive episodes of cyclothymia may include:
- Sadness
- Hopelessness
- Suicidal thoughts or behavior
- Anxiety
- Guilt
- Sleep problems
- Appetite problems
- Fatigue
- Loss of interest in daily activities
- Problems concentrating
- Irritability
- Chronic pain without a known cause"
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I want.
I want to live. I want to a story to tell.
I want to live excitingly.
Meet new people.
Explore new territories.
Try unfamilliar things.
Indulge in my art and passions.
I want to better myself.
To learn.
To grow as an amazing and beautiful person.
I want to help.
Love everyone.
Never hurt anybody.
I want to live excitingly.
Meet new people.
Explore new territories.
Try unfamilliar things.
Indulge in my art and passions.
I want to better myself.
To learn.
To grow as an amazing and beautiful person.
I want to help.
Love everyone.
Never hurt anybody.
Tired.
Dear NL,
Supposedly, I write for you. For something you can read in the future. However, there is no sight of you at the moment. So you are dismissed. The dismissal is indefinite.
I just want to tell you I love you. Whoever you are.
And I'm not expecting anymore. I'm hoping, I am. But I've just gotten tired.
M.
Supposedly, I write for you. For something you can read in the future. However, there is no sight of you at the moment. So you are dismissed. The dismissal is indefinite.
I just want to tell you I love you. Whoever you are.
And I'm not expecting anymore. I'm hoping, I am. But I've just gotten tired.
M.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
OMG
DEAR J,
OMG.
I LIKE YOU AGAIN.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE SO LIKEY-LIKEY?
I CAN'T BREATHE (ish).
It's getting deeper. But it's so much better because we're friends now. It's better, we're friends.
I still don't trust you yet.
I have no evidence that I can trust you with anything.
Still,
M.
OMG.
I LIKE YOU AGAIN.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE SO LIKEY-LIKEY?
I CAN'T BREATHE (ish).
It's getting deeper. But it's so much better because we're friends now. It's better, we're friends.
I still don't trust you yet.
I have no evidence that I can trust you with anything.
Still,
M.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Life is good again.
Happy 19th birthday, lovely.
The Core has been extremely sweet. I love you N, L, T, Ji, and G. So much. My bash was a success: no one threw up, but we had fun.
EVERYTHING'S BEING GREAT RIGHT NOW.
The Core has been extremely sweet. I love you N, L, T, Ji, and G. So much. My bash was a success: no one threw up, but we had fun.
EVERYTHING'S BEING GREAT RIGHT NOW.
What is this?
Dearest J,
It's either you treat me like the princess that I'm meant to be treated like or I leave. Ack. I don't think neither of us would mind.
WHY CAN'T THIS JUST WORK OUT ON ITS OWN. WHATEVER IT IS.
Is it because I'm a complicated bitch? Or is it because I just can sense how unhealthy this is.
It's a tad better, it is... but we're not there yet. We'll we ever be there?
Hopefully a friend,
M.
P.S. I don't deserve this. I am made as No.1. not just second to anyone else. And I'm not aiming to be your No.1 anyway.
It's either you treat me like the princess that I'm meant to be treated like or I leave. Ack. I don't think neither of us would mind.
WHY CAN'T THIS JUST WORK OUT ON ITS OWN. WHATEVER IT IS.
Is it because I'm a complicated bitch? Or is it because I just can sense how unhealthy this is.
It's a tad better, it is... but we're not there yet. We'll we ever be there?
Hopefully a friend,
M.
P.S. I don't deserve this. I am made as No.1. not just second to anyone else. And I'm not aiming to be your No.1 anyway.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Last chance
Dear J,
I dont trust you.
Earn it.
Be a friend.
A real one.
Or I go.
Last chance.
Yours truly,
M
I dont trust you.
Earn it.
Be a friend.
A real one.
Or I go.
Last chance.
Yours truly,
M
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