Status Quo

So to get this straight...

I am juggling boys.

But I'm still single.


And I don't think there will be much changes about this for a long time. I sincerely like J and sincerely like MK, both of which are not available at the moment. I know it's supposed to be killing me, but honestly, I don't mind.

I don't mind just loving myself and just having myself... these guys just people to entertain me every once in a while. These men to adore me and all that... and they'd give me the chance... but it just isn't.


I'm just happy. That's all.

I can finally say I'm happy being single.

MK + J + L

"M, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about awhile ago. It should never have happened that way. I respect you, okay? I'm just so sorry. It will never happen again."
-J's message.


"...Sorry and thank you for what happened, youknowwhatimean. But I don't regret anything. Seriously...."
-Mk's message.


...

WHO THE FUCK IS MK?

MK is the guy who wil never merely be a Male1. Someone I believe I SINCERELY like. Someone I wouldn't mind being with.

I can kiss him, I can talk with him, I can be with him.

MK's got a girl.


And as always I'm not expecting anything.

I like MK very much.




J is starting to respect me. I spent the morning at his place cuddling. We just cuddled, while his two girlfriends were making out in some posh subdivision somewhere. I don't know if he loves me. What do I feel?

I think that he has feeling for me. Great ones.

But I am not posh enough for him to show off around.


J, as much as I "love" you, we don't deserve each other.



L, I'm sorry I'm leaving you behind. You are the ultimate Male1. It was never working at all anyway.

Why am I always buying the fucking lines he feed me?

And I'm going for the jerk who likes me, instead of the loser who treats me very well.

On the bright side... my crush who's got a girlfriend has a crush on me. Ayiheee, <3 lovely.

I tried, okay? I did. I really really really did.

But I don't want to hurt him. And really, I'm just using his lips. His hands. His company.


BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT.

He's sweet fine. But he's demanding in an annoying whiney way.


And I knoooww.. he's not the one for me. He very much can't handle me. Even if he tried. He's a good talker fine.. not very great.. but he can socialize. But still.


:( I can't do this.

I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to be with him.

Male1 is now L2.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD HE KISSES.
Fine. So maybe I'm exagerrating. But its soooo good.

I WANT TO TELL HIM I LOVE HIM.. Yeah, but I don't.

Especially when he doesnt want to!


I WANT YOU I WANT YOU I WANT YOU!

I dont even like him, really. :And he likes me. No he doesnt. He just wants love. He doesnt want me.

Well who knows.. maybe I'll give him love. Then he gives me kisses.
I'm a bitch.

M: "J. I have feelings for you. Don't call me. You have a girlfriend."

Miscellaneous

I might sing on stage with a great band for the college week. Ugh. I'm scared.

...

I hate Male1. How do I get him to leave me alone?

...

I am so fat.

My boobs are great. But this is just due to the hormonal imbalance of getting your period. Argh. Can't I keep it?

I knew it!

If it's too good to be true, it probably is.

Good on paper.

Ridding

Im not commitment phobic.
Or maybe I am.

But the current situation does not call out the answer of that question.


I DONT LIKE MALE1. I'm pretty much annoyed by him. Its like.. UGH. THE FUCK! I KISSED THAT? He's so little. And needy.


I really need to let go and figure life out without someone worshipping me. It seems to be my vice see, having them adore me. And what? We've known each other for less than a week.

I like J more than him.

THEY GET WORSE AND WORSE T_T.

No more bachelors out there. This sucks.

My ego is feeding itself. But my need of romance isn't. No I havent met the right one. I have my head in the air... I'm too good for the rest of them. That's why I play. I've yet to meet my match.


I want him to come around already.. the TRUE NL. But ofcourse, I'm willing to wait. :) I'm already tired of the dating around shit, but since he's not here yet.. why not indulge in this?

I know that philosophy sucks.. Ugh.


...


On the bright side. I got an inch on my boobies, but two on my waist.. which is very easily remedied.


...


I JUST WANT TO FUCKING GET RID OF THIS GUY!

ONS

I semi-fucke someone last night.

Let's call him Male1.

Maybe someday, he'll be fit for a letter or acronym of his own, but right now he's not.

I was meaning to write the brutal details yesterday, but I didnt have the time because I had to go to places. And now, I just wish I could write it properly.


I am fabulously uninlove.

Table of Content
I. Details of the one-night-stand
II. Realizations
III. Plans
IV. Current
V. Eye opener



I. Details of the ONS

I met him when I was with A, a girl I've been hanging out with a lot. He's ok. He's not that tall, he's skinny, he's kinda fun to be with. He's not bad.

He's immature though.

To make things short, in an hour of meeting him, we went torrid.. and in less than 12 hours, he got me to give him a blow job (which is pretty much against my INNER will), and he got to do stuff to me.

He smelled like great.

He was so little. (I'm used to making out with kinda tall or buff guys)

It was really great at first, but the latter parts of the semi-sex sucked aside from the casual cuddle.


Oh yeah, and btw... he asked me out if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Uh. No.
And he asked me to if we could have sex... uh NO NO NO!


II. Realizations

Sexy time is not all that.

The fingering tends to hurt.

I hate and suck at giving blowjobs.

And he squeezed my boobs as if it were stress balls.
HATE HATE HATE.

BUT, we kissed good. Proper tounge use. Nice lips. Nip libbling.

ST is overrated. It's not glamorous.

True Life is not glamorous.


III. Plans

But I soooooo don't want a boyfriend. Guys tend to be annoying when they're too fucking sweet. And he's like sooo immature. Trust me. Very.

And he hates spending. Trust me, it won't work.

I love myself too much.


IV. Current

He calls me 'baby' and messages me. Ugh.
I DONT LIKE HIM!

It was a one night stand. Maybe we can date as long as he won't bore me. Which he very much would.


V. Eve opener

Having a boyfriend isn't all that. It can actually be rather annoying at times too once you think about it.

I'm not rushing.

I wouldn't mind not having a guy for the rest of the year. I just have to relax.

I am slutty. And somehow traumatized... but not really, since I'm, like, beyond that.

Acting so sexy, guys tend to think you're open for sex. Not just sexy time, but sex itself. Which I don't want because, I just like to kiss. I'm not an entirely great fan of ST anyhows.

I am fabulously uninlove.

Sex dream

On the later part of the day, I woke up minutes before 5:00 extremely pleased and amused and dellusionally inlove and dellusionally satisfied.

I semi-fucked L's CURRENT boyfriend on my dream.

I just learned what it is to be actually in love after sex. This is why an old crush and his current not-too-pretty-but-ok-nonetheless girlfriend first started dating anyway, because they had good sex.


L's BF was so freaking hot. This is not the first time I've dreamt of kissing him, by the way. And there's always lots of electricity when I dream of him. It's always so goddarn hot. I swear. Best dream kisses.

This is just proof of my a.) snakeyness and b.) of my unsatisfaction due to lack of men.


Anyway, it's just a good good dream. (Details: We did it on the floor, at the back of the door in his apartment, and everything was pitch dark. Yeah. IT WAS A REALLY REALLY AWESOME KISS and semi-fuck. He didn't love me, but I may as well as be in love with him at that point. Being a good kisser can make you make someone fall!)


That was the perfect cure to my early this day dilemma.



The thing now is, I've never hidden a secret from L. Ever. We have this unspoken covenant that inner thought are to be digested, and analyzed together. And I will NEVER/never/"never" jeopardize our friendship. As much as I can. Gawd, can't I be a good friend? It's just that my hormones are all over the place.



P.S. The ex is boring to boot.

DAMN IT!

I wake up today at 10:??am thinking very strongly and irrationally: I WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!

How come butt ugly girls get boyfriends. Like 3 boyfriends. WHY? WHY? WHY?

Here's an example: the J-girl's bestfriend. Gawd. It's not like she's pretty. Or nice. But she gets OK boyfriends. Well her boyfriend right now is OK, maybe the last two were just fine, and the first one left her for a goddess anyhows. Well, whatever. A boyfriend's still a boyfriend.


Shoot me.


I JUST WANT A GREAT GUY. Please.


Every single day is empty. Empty. Difficult. Hurtful.

Uhhuh. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Which is why I'm compromising myself. Because I'm tired of empty. It's been, what? 8 month godfuckingdamnit!


Yooohooo!! Law of attraction! I WANT A BOYFRIEND. A NORMAL ONE. IS ANYONE EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!?!? SOME GREAT GUY TO LOVE. HELLOO!?!?

My standards have already become so looow, because I am needy for company. Especially now that I'm on academic break and have nothing to keep me busy. Stupid fuck. What is wrong with this world?

Why did the media have to decieve us that finding a great guy is so easy, when here I am, begging, scratching, PRAYING for one?

What is wrong with this world? Why did I have to be single, have the nicest person I've ever met as my ex-boyfriend, when everyone now is pat of a couple? I've never thought I'll be in such a desperate situation. It sucks.

I really do want to cry.

AND NO, LOVES. IT IS NOT SHALLOW! BELIEVE ME. WHEN YOU WAKE UP PISSED OFF AT LIFE FOR BEING ALONE WHEN YOU KNOW HOW GREAT YOU ARE, YOU'LL GET PISSED OFF TOO!



I know he doesn't have to be perfect, because if you love someone, you forget all imperfection, and just love. BUT CAN'T HE BE A GREAT GUY FOR ME. PLEASE?

Can't I just love?

I AM NOT BEING IMPATIENT. I AM BEING DEMANDING BECAUSE I DESERVE ONE AND NO ONE'S AROUND. FUCCCKK! I HATE THIS.

What happened to me?

1. Drinking doesn't mean you're cool.
2. You are so easy.
3. Someone's bound to like you.
4. Yes, yes.. they want you.

On A Roll.

Of all the people in the world, Male 1 has seen right through me. He sees me as what I really am. The biggest flirt jammed in a sufficiently pretty 90-pound package.


..


L's Ex.

The ex: "Is anyone officially after her?"
L: "No. Don't get any ideas."
The ex: "What if I can't help it anymore? What if we can't help it?"
L: "Gawd dear. M's got lots of boys. I know you. You can't handle that."
The ex: "I'm comfortable around her."
L: "Please. Leave her alone. M's in a sad state too and we're doing our best to get her to smile. We can't afford having you dragging our efforts down."

...


I'm happy. Possible because I'm in this state where I've got my selection of (jerk-y) boys. I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm just looking around. Wasting my time. Etc etc.

It get's sad sometimes, yeah. It's like not having any real friends. That's what you feel when you dont have real friends, you only have jerk ones. I don't have the real One either.

But who's rushing, right?

So what if I'm single. I'm beautiful, smart, fun. I'm on a roll. I've got them thinking that I'm one of the most sought after bachelorettes.

I've got a very unlikely reputation. Agh. I'm around.

The next time you do fall... fall in love with the person. Not with the concept.

The more you I actually know about someone, the less likely I'll love him.

The more I look at his friendster, the more I do like him.

Disclaimer

Fine. Actually. I just like him for sex. Or the thought of it. And the pretty pictures in bed that trashy mags will not have, but artistic classy mags would. He's so prettyy. Sigh.

L's Ex

L's Ex likes me. For real. He want to pursuade me.

WOOW!

Someone CUTE actually likes me that much. But ofcourse. Out of respect for my lovely lovely L, it's not going to work.

It's weird really.

Who would've thought.


L actually initiated the thought though.

I know N's semi-BF already told me that it might be Him, but what the heck. It's not. It shouldn't be.

It's too weird.

Uhhuh.

I like him. Ish. Well, I think he's pretty. He doesnt give me the shivers though.

But what the heck heck. I like everyone.


And he's just got a pretty pretty face.


And he's too sad to boot. Ugh. Males.

M built a hole on her belly button
Because she is indulging in the lifestyle
A bit different than the one she was used to

The lifestyly isn't all that bad
As long as you get things done
With flare and love and passion

As long as you treat your sisters out
And join your dad on long drives
And chat with your mom in bed

And as long as you go home whole and happy
Unhurt

With the ring in its right place.

Another Male1, you are just so easy.

M, you can get any guy as long as you're drunk.

I will most likely end up with either one of the categories I will be stating:

1. The Catch
These are the perfect(ish) guys who will love me completely and still remain perfect and loving. A mix that is rarely seen these days.

2. The Swooners
They aren't even pretty, but their tounges are made of sugar, and they shower you with words that make you melt.


...

I feel so alone.

Admit it.

You let go because of some messed up ideal you had in your mind. Because of your infatuation over some overrated glamorous fantasy which isnt how the real world actually goes. But what the heck right? It's either you tie him up and not now that that was it and you weren't actually missing anything and not appreciate him, or you let go and breathe life the way it is.

Pessimist.

These are the things I love about myself that not anyon else does.

1. I can be whatever I want to be. I can be a bit too cowboy, I can be fashionista. I dunno.. I just think I can be whatever I want to be. Girly, ungirly, slut, virgin.. boyish.. whatever.
2. I can think.
3. I always aim to be a better person.


...

btw. Why do I look up to Male1? I don't even know the guy!

...