Sulk

Wow,  I'm here again.

What is it with men and why do they have the capacity to make me unhappy. Or or or maybe that's just me.

2015 is not my best year. I don't even want to fight it anymore. Here I am again, writing with my cigarettes, only this time I have wine with me instead of beer. Feels better, mind you.

Honestly, I just don't want to see J again, especially at this point when I am so extremely unattractive mentally and socially. I just want to hide away and do the things I want. Which is very weird, because the things I want is to be with people.


I want to be happy. I believe that I deserve to be happy.  I want to be peaceful. I want to be ecstatic. Whatever, this all doesn't matter. And will not matter 100 years from now.

What. The. Fuck. Is. FUCKING. Wrong. With. Me.
I mean, everything is going very very well. I got the man of my dreams. I am in good terms with my parents. I have lots of freedom. I looj great. I have an amazing amazing job.

What. the fuck. is up??


I've been reading amazing amounts of literature about happiness and I just can't get it. Is it really all about luck? Is it all yin and yang? Is it really just a state of mind? AM I REALLY IN CONTROL??


Well, yeah, I guess I can vouch for that. Man, this is really just not a good weekend.


Maybe I should be spending the day being happy on my own. Yea, I guess that sounds good because all my social skills have gone down the drain since I've had a boyfriend. Uhhuh, good ol' charming me, no more allure, no more charm. Yep.

It's like an unpulled muscle.


Whatever. My cigarettes are waiting. Ciao.

J

When I'm extra enjoying my cigarette than I normally do, that usually means something is wrong.
Or maybe I'm enjoying it because I'm taking cigarettes with my coffee.
Or maybe the depression-feel is there because I can relate coffee+cigarettes to the time when my life was in shambles and everything was a fun blur because I'm going through petty (or perhaps rational) emotional shitness.

--

I have an amazing amazing amazing boyfriend. Amazing man. Even if he weren't my boyfriend, yea, I'm sure I'd be thinking what is this amazing creature that is the epitome of how I think MALEKIND should be.... why is he roaming around my vicinity? Oh and why is he even talking to me? Also why does he not mind making out with the earthly being that is MYSELF? WHY IS THAT? THEN OMFG HE LOVES ME, WHY AND HOW AND WOW.

Then then then then he'd tell me I'm out of his league. Which I hehe do not argue LEST he figure out that I'm a basic human being and HE, in actuality, is of out-of-league-ness.

--

But then again, I'm losing myself. (Yes. How cliche, yep I heard myself.)
Because how can you keep yourself when you are in a beautiful relationship. It's scary.
I do not ever want to depend my happiness on a man, ever, no matter how perfect.
Well, I am writing now. And as of this day and time, good coffee and cigarette equates to happiness. This is exactly what I need this Saturday 2:28PM: therapeutic, not-for-anyone writing, with freestyle punctuations and lots of bad spelling and possibly made up words.

Dignity

Dignity dignity dignity. Keep your dignity. That's all you will ever have left. It's sexy, almost as sexy as independence.

on Acceptance and other options

...  You are responsible for your inner space, no one else is.

... leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.

... If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility of your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. They accept the consequences. No excuses. No negativity. No psychic pollution.

- Power of Now

Assuming that he's innocent

Assuming that he is innocent,
Would you want him back?

Think of what you feel when you type these:
I want him. = ok
I want to move on. = scared. big words.


I'm so tired of crying. Of doubting, second-guessing.
I see him so differently already, like, that he wants to fuck other girls. He's gigil. He does things behind my back.

Part of me is ok.
But THE WHOLE of me says I don't want to be those girls I pity.

Prayers, intuitions, and the gift of not needing to know everything.

It doesn't matter maybe if it's true or not.

He was texting a girl at 2am when I was calling him and he wasn't answering.

Right now, there's no use talking to him.


As always, the first few minutes, maybe first few hours, you feel relief. I'm all shakey and out of breath, yeah... but I feel relief. Isn't this what you always wanted? You even prayed for this last night.

Then tomorrow I'll be slightly annoyed.

Then maybe a month for now I'll be crying again everyday.


I'll face it, my greatest fear is to end up with a womanizer.

I just can't handle it.


Maybe that's even why I'm being all alpha-female, because I'm so scared of being cheated on. Maybe that's why


I don't think I need the truth. I just want to get away from him. I've always been looking for an exit, but I get so enamored  with his simple gestures. I don't think it's a talent or anything or that he is any special, I think it's good ol' human nature.

I don't mind being wrong. I always say that right?

I just want to get away already. It's easier to forgive him if he can't hurt me again. I just want to forgive. I want to be peaceful. I want to stop crying everyday. I want to stop doubting all the time. I want to be secure... even if it means the basic ground zero security that says you won't get hurt because you're not attaching yourself to him. That's good enough.



I'm so scared of the following days / months where I'll be sad and hurt. I just don't want to see him. I want to move on. Maybe this is what Oshi was feeling when she found out that her ex cheated on her again. "Nakakawalang gana."


I think I have the power to move on now. How I feel today will be different from how I feel tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. But I just don't want to end up with a guy who might get a whore, who might text other girls etc. I'm so tired of it all.


I read before "If there's not Trust, there's no us."

Oh, intuitions.

I've been trying to forgive for months now. I can't. It haunts me everyday. Whenever I feel like I'm close to forgiving, I get enraged the next day, and raaawwr.



Thee big question, that will always be blind sided with emotions is:
"Do you want to just be friends?"

Yes. At the moment.

I can't trust him. And most of all, I can't forgive him.

Maybe it's really time to go.

Peaceful.

Well.

Authentically, I've never felt so peaceful. I'm honestly so out of love with this man, but he makes me feel so peaceful. So home.

I feel no attraction, really. Yes, weirdly after spending five years pining over him, I FEEL NO ATTRACTION. Of course I'm just wishing this is a phase, and I know it takes time, and besides I know that at the moment my heart belongs to someone else. Partly I'm still a little bit grabbing on to my last (and very recent) relationship, because I don't want to hurry. I don't want to fall in love yet.

I AM VERY SCARED.

I'm scared that he MIGHT NOT be the one.. and I'm scared that he MIGHT be the one.

I guess it's both fine. Maybe this is a rebound, and all that matters is I'm doing well right now. Very well. It's not very well like everything is just miraculously better... but I'm not tense and anxious anymore.. which is everything I've hoped for in my whole life.


.... Oh peace. I've been looking for you all over the world.