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Hello my clandestine rubbish illegal thoughts rubbish bin.

The boyfriend and I are still together. Its working fine. Not very very happily well, but fine.


#1 The fucking is nice. 'Nice'. It's not amazing. Ive yet to climax. :( Maybe its just like when I was getting fingered. It took me like 6 months to finally get it and finally climax. It's like masturbation, took me years to find it 'nice'. Maybe the times I've had orgasms are countable, I just cant remember. Please give me an orgasm!

#2 My mom and I are not in the best terms. Started last... I dunno. We were supposed to go to some family trip, but then again, she got into this stupid fit.

My dad is no longer opening up to me about his sadness. Makes me think, is it because of what I've always assumed about myself that the more he tells me stuff, the more I degrade my own mother in my mind.. or is it because she has finally stopped cheating?

Even if she is though, she's still my mom. She still deserves that little respect. The outwardly one. Even if deep inside I know that she's just human and isn't a good example. Too much a challenge though.

#3 I feel jailed in. I hate it that I'm not allowed to stay late outside . My mom never had a childhood which is the mother of all causes for her inhumane strictness. Fuck I'm 20 you know. Well makes me think however, if my daughter were this age, how would I treat her? It's risky actually. I actually don't want my daughter ending up like me you know. Fucking her boyfriend.

Do I hate me for that?

Well, my boyfriend thinks I'm such a loser because I... am.

Good thing I'm cool.

#4 Am watching secrets diary of a call girl. I like it. You know how much I love beautified sex.

A thought rose over me, see. Why can't I just have one boyfriend I love and many affairs and my boyfriend won't mind. The main reason 'fidelity' was created in the first place anyway is because the boyfriend will get mad. If it were all right then people would go being with whoever. Maybe it's also because we want to limit some charming person to be everyone's verdict. It's actually pretty logical.

Why can't just human emotions deal with that?

#5 I'm still 'friend-less'. My college friends left me. My high school friends are so antisocial. I have no neighbors to speak of.

What you never had as a kid is what you aim.