J

When I'm extra enjoying my cigarette than I normally do, that usually means something is wrong.
Or maybe I'm enjoying it because I'm taking cigarettes with my coffee.
Or maybe the depression-feel is there because I can relate coffee+cigarettes to the time when my life was in shambles and everything was a fun blur because I'm going through petty (or perhaps rational) emotional shitness.

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I have an amazing amazing amazing boyfriend. Amazing man. Even if he weren't my boyfriend, yea, I'm sure I'd be thinking what is this amazing creature that is the epitome of how I think MALEKIND should be.... why is he roaming around my vicinity? Oh and why is he even talking to me? Also why does he not mind making out with the earthly being that is MYSELF? WHY IS THAT? THEN OMFG HE LOVES ME, WHY AND HOW AND WOW.

Then then then then he'd tell me I'm out of his league. Which I hehe do not argue LEST he figure out that I'm a basic human being and HE, in actuality, is of out-of-league-ness.

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But then again, I'm losing myself. (Yes. How cliche, yep I heard myself.)
Because how can you keep yourself when you are in a beautiful relationship. It's scary.
I do not ever want to depend my happiness on a man, ever, no matter how perfect.
Well, I am writing now. And as of this day and time, good coffee and cigarette equates to happiness. This is exactly what I need this Saturday 2:28PM: therapeutic, not-for-anyone writing, with freestyle punctuations and lots of bad spelling and possibly made up words.